EP 2: It’s Not Easy To Shift Your Mindset…Here’s How You Can Start

In this episode we talk about the difficulty of changing your mindset and how placing blame on our circumstances impacts the stories we tell ourselves. We also discuss the real challenge of shifting your mindset when your basic physical, emotional, and/or financial needs aren’t met. Together we share simple steps on how to begin the process of evolving your mindset.

EP 2: Transcript

Welcome to the Over Dinner Podcast.

I'm one of your hosts, Nikki Sammet.

And I'm one of your other hosts, Jarrod Sammet.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Well, I thought we'd start off with something that I saw on a writer's blog that I follow.

She shares specific things that she's interested in during the week, or like things that are sparking her interests or books that she's into.

So I'd love to know, what has sparked your interest this week?

Well, I think what's sparked my interest this week, always new things.

What am I reading right now?

I just finished Jim Quick's book on Limitless.

So what actually sparked my interest this week was actually the ability to retain more information than I probably have before, in ways and hacks that I can retain more information in meetings, listening to something and actually reading, something you've taught me before, and you've done a lot because it works for you, is like the Pomodoro method, which is like 25 minutes on, taking a break.

But I think what I learned in Jim Quick's book is processing during that downtime of what you just consumed, whether that's sitting and trying to say, hey, what did I just learn?

And how could I put it into words?

Or actually writing out what you took away and your ability to retain.

Because over an hour, if you try to read for an hour straight, or you're at something for an hour straight, there's so much information coming in, and your brain, how much information comes in per second is just insurmountable.

And it's really hard to bring back up and retain things that we wanna remember.

But it's actually the active process of what did you learn during that time?

So I've actually been trying to do that in anything.

Like today, I was leading, facilitating a group event between leaders and having them have conversations.

And then when we have breaks, I go to my pen and paper now and write out what I thought I heard, what I thought was important to remember.

So that when we got back into the session, it was a lot easier for me to reference back to those things that I could correlate back to, versus having to have my notes in front of me, or sometimes I'm like, ah, what was that thing I knew was important, I wanted to remember it for later.

So that act of taking what I've learned, what, why are you laughing at me?

Oh, nothing, I'll get to it in a second.

She's laughing at me.

I'm not laughing at you.

She's laughing, not with me, because I'm not laughing.

I'm laughing about something in my head that I will share in a second.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, but I think learning how to retain more information more quickly.

And now I'm laughing.

I don't know why I'm laughing, but I'm laughing.

Funny.

No, but that's actually really helpful.

And reading, like, I know you actually have learned how to speed read, which is really cool.

So I learned how to do that my own way through actually putting my finger underlining the words and following as I go, and I'm being able to read a lot faster.

So that's what I'm into, that's what I'm digging.

Love it.

What about you, Nick?

Well, I was laughing, is because what has sparked my interest and what I'm reading right now is a book called How to ADHD.

And I was like, as you were talking, I totally went to like nine places, and that's why I was like, Oh, it's happening right now.

It's happening right now.

But I don't, you know, I think ADHD is not just about being distracted or being hyperactive.

There's so many misconceptions by ADHD, especially for women.

So I'm reading this book right now, and I'm in the first part of it.

I can't remember the author's name because that's another...

Memories lost.

She has the worst memory.

She doesn't remember things we did together.

I know.

It's a mom brain thing.

But I'm very excited about unpacking the book because I feel as if even though I got a diagnosis at 10 years old, I kind of just went along with what was told to me, what I struggled with, or what I was good at.

And so now that I'm in my, wow, my late 30s.

That just happened.

Later 30s.

Now that I'm in my later 30s, I am building that identity.

So I'm excited about that book.

Yeah, I think it's cool to also understand like, what does it mean?

Like, you've been told everything, but like, how does my brain actually work?

And how can I like know that?

And then approach my life and try to set up my life and things that I do to make sure that the strengths of being ADHD are being leveraged?

And there's always be challenges, but how am I knowing how my brain operates to put myself in a position to not have those other factors that come in?

Well, that's also been really helpful, like with human designs, like understanding how I work as a projector has really helped me find more of a seamless approach.

And I think working alongside the way my brain works with ADHD will also help me.

And I just also, I'm sorry, I didn't even ask you, I didn't even say anything about your...

I'm just trying to retain more information.

Yeah, I think that's really, it's great.

Apparently, it's something I need to be doing as well.

Well, that's cool.

And you're good?

Yeah, I feel good.

You had a good day?

Yeah, it was a good day.

That's good.

Yeah, I had a great day.

Every day is a good day.

I think that actually is a great segue.

I knew you were gonna say that.

That's why I said that.

It's a really good segue to what we're gonna be talking about tonight.

This is a very important topic to me because I try to really be sensitive and empathetic to maybe sometimes to a fault.

I try really hard to please everybody.

I think you wear others' feelings and emotions and things they go through a lot.

Yeah, you're an empath.

You feel it.

Feel it, so, but what I've been noticing is there's this trend on social media, and maybe just in the human experience or what people are showing up as, what their masks are, is this idea of showcasing perfection and not really showing up imperfect and not being able to handle it all.

And we just had an experience, I'll share my experience, but we just had an experience where you went through this with planning my birthday and how it all went haywire, not wanting to ask for help and wanting to figure it out yourself.

Because I think it needed to be perfect.

Well, that, but also we are taught from a very young age that being a one person show is a strength, is a resilience, is that you've got it under control.

That asking for help is not necessarily as supported, especially I would say, I mean, probably for men.

Yeah, I think it is more tailored towards men.

But I think what you shared to me and what we'll probably talk about in a little bit is it's kind of also, especially as you get into motherhood, you're just supposed to have figured it all out and that you can handle it all because you're a woman, right?

They can just handle it all because that's in your nature, right?

That's how it's supposed to be, right?

Yeah, and I just, I feel that the pressure to enjoy motherhood is at an all-time high right now.

Constant messages bombarding us, telling moms to enjoy every single second and that it goes by so fast, and there's this 18 summers thing, that you only have 18 summers with your kids.

You gotta be present for all of them.

And yet, there is not, child care is not affordable for working parents.

So many of these daycares close at 3 p.m.

There is not help if your kids get sick, and like what if you have a job that you can't, you don't have PTO, and there's not great therapists that take insurance to help you with your emotional regulation.

And so, we're taught Algebra 1, but not how to emotionally regulate ourselves.

And we're taught about the presidents of the United States, but we're not taught how to ask for help.

And I think, as I move further into my motherhood journey, I'm being faced with a lot of feelings and experiences, and I'm judging them heavily.

Because what I'm seeing in a 30-second reel is showing me something that is perfect.

And that is, and always, and even, there are some accounts though that do talk about the nuances and the frustrations and the ups and downs, for sure.

That definitely is there.

But there still is a pressure to be perfect.

And I'll give you an example, which has led me down this idea that we're talking about today, is that I was on Instagram, and a reel showed up on my newsfeed, and it was of this coach.

She's a mindset coach for moms.

And her whole thing is that she was angry and frustrated for 10 years of her life, and then a simple mindset shift changed her life, and now she's happy and present.

It's incredible.

I mean, amazing, right?

All of her reels are showing her laughing, and there's one where she's in the store, and her kids are just by her, and they're coming up to her and giving her things, and she's giggling, or she's laying down, reading a book with them.

And the blanket statement is, just change your mindset, and it will be picture perfect.

Well, what also is in the reel is her living in a beautiful home, has said that she retired her spouse, so he doesn't have a corporate job, is a home.

Obviously, she also has space and time to work on her very fulfilling business, so she's getting support there.

I don't know all the ins and outs, and I'm not gonna sit here and judge, but from a 30-second reel of someone telling me, change your mindset, and all this will be better, I have other things on my plate.

And so I feel like blanket statements just change your mindset can be so damaging and insensitive, right?

What about single parents?

What about parents with special needs children?

What about moms with their own mental health challenges?

And don't get me wrong, I'm all about encouraging a new perspective and living in this glass half full, like everything is all good mentality.

And yet there are so many other things.

And I truly believe that until we unravel our conditioning and get real tools and support, and even sometimes medication, like me being on anxiety medication, how do we keep that positive mindset sustained?

And I'm curious, like, you don't go through the same things as I do, but you have a different mindset than I do.

You've always had a different mindset than I have, but you have gone through struggling times.

Yeah, I've gone through a lot.

And I mean, I'll say, you know, look, if you look back at me, what, 13, 14 years ago, like I was, I mean, let's be real.

I had, yeah, gotta go to college, gotta live in Orange County, right?

All these great things.

And I had, obviously, the means to support myself, and, you know, wasn't struggling with a lot of things, but I was struggling a lot in anxiety, and fear, and not knowing what I wanted to do, and it put me in a really dark place.

But I obviously, to your point, had the means and ability to make choices, because my, and we talked about this a little bit, like if you look at Maslow's hierarchy, like I had safety, like my base needs of safety of having, yeah, feeling safe, having house, having food, having shelter, like I didn't have to worry about those things.

I could focus my attention and time on, I think I could do something about the way my, I'm thinking and operating, and I could choose to make decisions to help grow, and learn, and change my mindset.

But I think what your point is, and it's a really good point, is like go take your cold showers, go read, get up, meditate, do all these things.

But I don't think if your base needs are met, or your fears around real life things, like how am I gonna feed my children today?

Like how am I gonna make sure, you're not thinking about an ice bath.

How do I make sure like my family's safe, we don't live in a safe place, but I can't get us out of here.

You're not gonna go take an ice bath.

You're not trying to sit down and meditate, or journal, or write, or sit and listen to a podcast, or go afford to buy an event that you wanna go to, or just that's so far away.

And I think that's what's hard right now is like, I'm really into personal development.

I love the personal development people, and it's helped me in so many shapes or forms, but I was in a position where the base of what I needed was already met.

So I could be in a place where I can make choices to go put action to and change my mindset, right?

So I think that's what we wanted to discuss and just make sure that we said that, because throughout this podcast, we're gonna give advice and talk about hard personal growth and things like that, but we're in a very fortunate position to be where we're at to be able to do that.

But I think it's important to address that, that to get to this place, there's other things that have to be there.

We can't just make blanket statements, like you just change your mindset.

Well, I can't just change my mindset.

I'm in constant fear for my family and all these things, and that just doesn't go away.

I can't be like, if I change my mindset, where we live and all those things.

And I go back and forth on this.

And I go back and forth, because I think the mindset shift helps you get out of those situations.

When we're talking about mental health, and when we're talking about trauma, and all these things, that's another level.

And again, a lot of great therapists, they don't take insurance.

So that costs money.

And so what support?

And then where are you gonna spend money?

Like you're also told on Instagram, it's saying, don't eat these foods.

You cannot eat these things, they will kill you.

So you have to eat this, this, and this, which most likely costs double the price of what you were gonna be spending.

So where do you spend your money?

Where do you spend your time?

And if you are spread extremely thin, you have very limited options of what you can do within that timeframe.

And so I really love what you said, and of us coming from this place, and how our needs were met.

And I am only in this perspective now, after you telling me about this stuff for years, because I went to therapy, and got a great therapist who helped me unravel a lot of stuff, and gave me tools to manage my anxiety, my depressive thoughts, so many of these things that do block me on a day-to-day basis.

And because I now have that, I've gained, I've worked that muscle, I feel more confident, and I have more space to take in all of these other elements that can support my growth.

Yeah, and I also struggle a little bit, because there's also those stories of people who didn't have any of their needs met, grew up in a really Chinese place.

It would have been easy to follow that path, but they did do something about it.

So it's really this delicate balance.

Okay, so is that nature or nurture?

Yes.

I know, you always do this.

It's both, but if you allow your circumstances to dictate your story, it's very challenging to even get a little momentum.

But you weren't always like this.

No, I was not always like this.

I was a victim.

Most of us live in victim land.

And I was totally a victim.

But I just don't think, to even get those needs that you need met, there are some choices you have to make that you gotta make a decision on, right?

And that's the hard part is, how do you get out of the loop that I don't have any decisions, but you really do, and to some level, and even if it's really hard and you're in a really bad place, there might not be big decisions you can make, but there's one tiny first decision you can make, right?

And that makes you feel, okay, I did make a decision, right?

And so it's not just gonna happen, right?

Getting out of that place to get yourself in a place where your needs are met, it's not just gonna happen if you're sitting around and hoping it's gonna happen.

So it's a delicate balance of yes, that is true, and there are limitations, but people have done an amazing thing with those limitations.

So it's more about how do you believe you have some autonomy of how your life is gonna go, and to make that a core belief.

If that becomes a core belief, your decisions will start to change, and maybe even a little bit of perception on how you view your circumstances.

What you just said, if you believe that, of how you want your life to, is that what you said?

I want your life to go?

No, it's that I actually can play a role in dictating how my life goes.

So with that, you put that in your head, and you go, I realize I have not dealt with X, Y, and Z.

I'm gonna make therapy a priority.

And so when we start, it's kind of like when you pick the car you wanna get, and then all of a sudden you see that car everywhere.

You know what that's called?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

Say it.

I can't wait breaking.

I'm breaking.

I'm breaking, it's called your RAS, reticular activating system.

It's essentially what's on your mind.

It will be, that is what you'll see.

It's perception.

Like if I believe at a very high level, if I believe good things will happen, I will see good things happening.

If you walk into your day and go, this is gonna be a really shitty day, you will find the validation and confirm that belief that today is a shitty day, right?

Okay, but this is where I get stuck because, for instance, I wake up and I'm like, all right, let's do this.

Do you believe you're gonna have that, you are gonna have a great day?

I believe that I am capable of managing my emotions and to have, I don't go, it's gonna be a good day, great day.

I go, I am capable of managing this today.

So I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

And then by a certain point, I, it's been studied now, it's called mom rage.

Like, I find myself yelling at my one and a half year old.

And.

Well, let's talk about that.

You yell at your one and a half year old today.

Yeah.

But if you just say, I'm gonna be able to manage my emotions today, you did?

I did.

Actually, I did come back, yes.

You did, right?

It doesn't mean you're not gonna feel these emotions.

It doesn't mean that stress and fear and anger aren't gonna come.

But you just, your thing you said, you said, I'm gonna manage my emotions.

And we talked, and you were in that peak state.

And then you write me 30 minutes later that I'm okay now.

So you went and did something that helped you manage your emotions.

So you did live out what you said you were capable of doing.

That's very true.

Right?

So you did do it.

It doesn't mean that-

I wanna come back to what you just said.

I thought that was really great.

I would like wanna put that in quotes is that it's, I did manage your emotions.

It doesn't mean that the feelings, emotions aren't gonna come up.

We're humans.

Right.

Most of us feel-

So what I think is, is we try to stuff those things down, and if I feel those things, then I am bad.

I'm a bad person.

I'm a bad mom.

You're just human.

Most of us go through every emotion every single day at a micro level.

We'll feel all emotions every single day.

That's what makes us human.

You might not be aware that you're all having, but you'll have fear, stress, anxiety, joy.

There'll be, it could be seconds, but you'll probably gonna go through all of them at some point throughout the day, right?

And that's just human experience.

And that's something that I got to after we had talked and I jumped on the treadmill to burn off some steam is that I was like four minutes into this walk, and my state had completely changed.

And it hit me that not only is time fleeting, people are saying like you're running out of time, but time is constantly changing, so are your emotions.

The seasons change, we have personal seasons.

And so I can become very aware of that cycle and get to that treadmill experience, like where I was on the treadmill versus where I was with you on the phone in a quicker fashion because I now can realize that I can go through the whole cycle.

Yeah, and that's been the gift that you've given to yourself in this work is that sometimes a day like this or those moments that you had today, those could last for a day, a couple days.

Yeah.

Right, and then it gets heavier and heavier.

And then you start to change your beliefs that I'll never get out of this, this is who I am.

But it's not, it's not who you are.

Emotions, again, they come, they go.

They're something you feel, they're not something you are.

Yeah, they're not something you are.

Right.

You're not your most, you can't say I am stressed.

Because if you were stressed, the moment stress left, then who are you now?

You don't exist.

Because if all you are stressed, but now I'm not stressed, then who am I?

It's like, no, I'm feeling stressed.

I'm in a state of it.

But I've also felt joy before.

That probably will come back at some point.

Right, no, exactly.

Right, and I think it's, we actually talked about this in our therapy session, is when you have those positive emotions, is taking the time to understand what is happening for me right now, so your body becomes aware of the thing you did or the experience you had to create that new state or that state.

So it knows next time, there's something I can do about this.

Like she said to you, like I want you to pair the treadmill with that emotion and like say that to yourself, like feel that emotion, go, I want the treadmill.

So the next time those moments come up, your brain brings to the awareness, shoots up to your brain, goes, hey, you should get on the treadmill.

Right, so, and what are those things for you?

Right, what, like?

Well, no, not just get on the treadmill in physically, but in my mind.

In your mind.

Right.

Like you could even do like that alone, that trigger will probably release some dopamine and put some positive emotions into you.

Yeah.

Right, so most of us cycle in those negative emotions and those memories are a lot stronger.

Right.

We don't take the time to remember the good moments, even though they're brief.

Right, so we live in the negative emotions more, so those memories are so much stronger, so that's why they can come and hit us so much faster than the other way.

We're really good at going what I'm bad at, what I haven't done well, or that really hard, stressful day.

How often are we remembering and taking time to reflect on what today made me feel joyful?

What today made me feel grateful?

Remember that, because then you have something to go back to.

But for me, it's really simple.

If I'm not feeling well, and usually when I go to bed or in the morning, there's moments I had with Sydney and Jake that I felt so much joy, and I just relived that moment in my head, and I just get this fricking huge smile on my face.

I don't even have to have them with me.

I just remember that moment in my, I just, I'm smiling up to my brain.

I need a better memory.

Without a memory, it's just like, you don't take the time, because it's a lot easier to reflect on, and how, what do we talk about with our spouse or with others, right?

We talk about, oh, this was hard, I feel this right now, but how often are we talking about?

And I think that sometimes we don't want to, because we feel bad about talking about the good things.

Yeah, and we dismiss those feelings sometimes, but we don't dismiss the negative things.

Those live with us, and we remember those so much more deeply.

But if we can remember a little bit more of that other stuff, and then tie that experience, and then have that as a place to go back to, man, like.

I think of it, I think it's so smart, and I think of it like an Instagram story that expires in 24 hours, right?

These will also expire.

And this, if you can remember, which is so hard for someone like me, who is a, I have the experience, and I literally feel it and say it, rather than feel it, process it, then I'd say it.

Like, I think it'd be so much easier if I.

I would say create the gap.

Yeah.

Create the gap.

Like, how much can you create a gap between feeling something to getting to your head, right?

Can you create a gap to process?

And even if that's seconds, that's a long time to separate yourself from it.

Sure, sure.

Right.

For sure.

So I think like what we're really getting to is, because I agree with you, it's we do need mindset shifts, and they are a vital part of this process.

Wherever you are in your life story, at the same time coupled with that, Yeah.

is what?

I would just say, when I say mindset shift, that sounds, it's so big.

Like I'm gonna completely change the way my mind operates.

That's not true.

So I think that seems like an overwhelming ask, especially when you're in a really tough situation.

So I hate saying a mindset shift, because that's like, there's no chance I can completely shift the way my mind operates.

And we, you know, you can slowly over time, but I think it's, what's the first, it's first, it really is getting down to, the shift needs to come in, understanding your beliefs currently, right?

And how do you challenge that first belief?

What if the opposite was true?

What if this was actually true?

What if, yeah, so what if it was different than what I've believed for so long?

And I think the also thing, don't judge your beliefs.

Your beliefs have gotten you to where you are, but those beliefs won't take you to where you wanna be.

Right, so if you believe my situation's bad and I'll never get out of it, your RAS will kick in and go, you're right, let's prove today how your situation's bad and you'll never get out of it.

So it's not, I hate to fake it till you'll make it, I don't like that as much, but it's really just starting to, I always say this, you're allowing your story to be told, why don't you change the story, right?

Because here's the thing we do, we'll debate anything, we'll debate politics, sports teams, something external, we'll debate those things, but we never really debate the thoughts in our head.

Why not?

It's just like another person talking to you, and you're willing to debate somebody else on something that you don't believe in, right?

So why not just have a little conversation inside and debate yourself and go, I don't like that belief, and let's think if that wasn't true.

And a way to do that is to label your parts.

Label them.

And internal family systems therapy is labeling these individual, I guess, sub-personalities.

Yeah, because we talk about it, the fact you can hear the voice and you're aware of that belief, that thing talking in your head means, then who's the thing that's aware of it?

Oh, that's actually self me.

So challenge it.

Just try it once.

Just challenge it.

It's like, I don't want to tell that story again today.

Let's try something new, voice and head.

And let's say, let's have this try to be true today.

Let's try that and see what happens.

And then you might take a different look on the day and choose different actions for that day just because you challenged it.

And it's a starting point.

Okay, so what you're saying is is that through all of it, no, I wanna actually ask it like this.

So we are bombarded, as I said in the beginning, with messages all the time, right?

On Instagram, either telling us what we don't have or we're not doing enough of, or that we will never, I don't know.

It's a very toxic place, right?

I guess that's the first action would be get yourself off Instagram.

No, we'll do a whole episode about that, but I'm just thinking, because people follow these people, and they're going like, this person is gonna help me, or this is the way, when I just feel so uncomfortable about that, because there's just so, I don't know, maybe I'm just totally on my own planet thinking about this stuff.

I don't think you are.

I think this is really relevant, and I think a lot of people are feeling what you're feeling.

Right, I can't live up to that.

But, like, I'll give you a perfect example.

It's constant, conflicting nature, or information.

Like, one Instagram account is saying that screen time for Gestalt language processors and autistic children is extremely valuable for their language development.

Another page is saying, look at these pictures of the brain of toddlers who use screens, and look how damaged it is.

And it's like, what wins, right?

And so you just always feel, I'm never doing enough, I'm always making the wrong choice.

And so there's that kind of information, and then there's these quote unquote guru influencers who seem that they've got it all figured out, and they're not also talking about like, I have privilege, I'm able to do these things because I'm in a happily committed marriage, who we have great conversations, and I feel very supported financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually by my partner.

I have healthy children with no special needs, whether that's cognitive or physically.

I have no financial woes, like I can go to the grocery store and buy once upon a farm pouches and organic strawberries.

And these people have their own pain, we all have our own stuff, but as you've been saying, their basic needs are met, and so they're not thinking about the mom who has three non-speaking autistic children who is buried in IEPs and communication devices and worry that her children could be getting abused.

Like I just, I'm struggling so hard to fully sometimes embrace this like other shift because I also see the reality of things, and it's hard.

But maybe what it is, is like that it's both.

And so motherhood is hard, and these things are temporary.

Yes.

Right?

And so that's perhaps the only way to look at this is that it can be both.

And that could be a really powerful belief as well.

Right?

The belief that both can be true.

Right?

It doesn't have to be one way or the other.

And it never is.

It's always gray, right?

And there's always, within that gray little moments that you can do something about, and you have agency to do something about.

Right?

Not everything, not all the things, but there are moments that if, but if the belief is so strong from a victim mentality, you'll never have, you'll never see those moments, or be aware that those moments exist.

Right?

And I think that's a big thing.

It's just, not a mindset shift, but just a challenge of these beliefs that are dictating your view and your perspective and how you operate on a day-to-day basis.

And if you just start with one, and just saying, what if this, what if the opposite was true?

That day, you might do something a little bit different, see something in a little bit different lens.

That's a start.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for chatting.

Yeah, this is good.

I enjoyed it.

And I guess I'll see you in five minutes.

Probably in 30 seconds.

I have to be pressed up on this.

Okay, well, that was...

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