The Silent Struggle: Depression Among Successful Women
Tully Hart from Firefly Lane
There is an episode of Firefly Lane where one of the main characters, Tully Hart, played by Katherine Heigl is set to go on air for her live talk show.
The camera shows her standing in the wings, waiting to go on.
Tully stands there, distracted by the past, consumed with sadness and depressed thoughts.
Through flashbacks, we get a glimpse into her broken world and witness her trauma.
Within a few minutes, the crew tells her, "You're on in 5,4,3,2,1."
Tully walks out from the back onto the main stage in front of a live audience, and we see her go from darkness to light in seconds.
This is what it feels like to live with high-functioning depression.
People can harbor and hold depression backstage for a long time while showing up as functioning (even, dare I say, happy) people in society.
What is depression? According to the DSM-5, Major Depressive Disorder is a severe mental health disorder that impacts an estimated 21 million American people a year. Depression is not the same as feeling sad or fatigued, which aligns with life events.
High functioning depression is not in the DSM-5 but is also known as dysthymia or persistent mood disorder. The term high-functioning depression is becoming much more common among the therapeutic community.
Signs of high-functioning depression can include:
Isolating from friends and family.
No longer finding joy in the activities you loved.
Persistently criticizing yourself.
Frustration with minor irritations or setbacks.
Turning to mindless habits for hours on end.
Constantly feeling low on energy.
Managing day-to-day tasks but feeling empty inside.
Temporary sadness attributed to life events is a typical human experience; most of us can bounce back quickly.
The causes of depression can be confusing and complex as multiple factors can impact it.
I have wondered if there is something physically going on with me to enhance my depressive experience or if I'm depressed and it's causing all of the symptoms, such as changes in appetite, insomnia, fatigue, feelings of guilt, and shame.
As a 36-year-old woman, I am now potentially entering perimenopause. Mel Robbins discussed this topic on episode 87 of her podcast with Dr. Amy Shah.
Perimenopause can mimic symptoms of depression.
However, I have been depressed since I was a teenager.
I was diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) when I was a teen.
PMDD is a severe, sometimes disabling extension of PMS. Though they share similar symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood swings that can genuinely damage life.
PMDD typically resolves itself within the first few days after a period has begun, and I feel better. Some months, my mood swings are less than others.
It is said that those with underlying mood disorders such as anxiety or depression may be more inclined to have PMDD.
Those with mood disorders may also be more apt to go through postpartum depression, which I did as well.
Many people get misdiagnosed/don't receive the treatment they need because they are so high functioning.
Just like Autism is on a spectrum, so is depression (and other mental health conditions), and depression can showcase itself differently with the genders as well.
A few years ago I shared on my Dr. Nikki instagram account my experience with high functioning anxiety and an example of experiencing it while at the post office- you can read it here.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness refers to functioning depression as anyone who is grappling with mental health issues while accomplishing their day-to-day tasks and upholding their responsibilities.
Therapist Jeffrey Meltzer posted a video on TikTok, which now has over 8 million views, about high-functioning depression and how it impacts the general public. You can watch that here 👇
High-functioning depression doesn't mean it's easy.
It doesn't mean I don't feel like crumbling.
It means I feel it but I persist.
Is this a good thing?
I don't know.
It is only my inner circle that knows how much depression impacts my life.
Like you reading this, the outside world would think that I'm strong, upbeat, and positive.
We smile through the pain.
We function even though we are living in dysfunction.
These two worlds coexist at the same time.
When I first learned about depression, my view of it was someone who could not function…someone who could not leave their bed and cry consistently.
For some, that may be the case, but for others, they are just normal people doing everyday things, and we'd have no idea something was truly going on.
You may have seen the commercial shown on #worldmentalhealthday about two men who have gone to soccer matches together over the years.
One is visibly frustrated with life, and the other is positive.
In the end, the positive one ends up taking their life.
"At times, it can be obvious when someone struggles to cope. But sometimes, the signs are harder to spot. Check-in on those around you."
My last blog post, Feeling Like a Bad Mom? Here Are 8 Ways To Repair With Yourself, which you can find here, discussed the daily and never-ending pressure that moms face today.
Women in the late thirties and through their forties carry a lot of stress with the weight of their own ambition, child rearing, and taking care of aging parents.
An endless list of to-dos and constantly feeling like we need to do more.
Years worth of conditioning and trauma needing to work through but not enough money or resources to support.
Some days, I feel broken.
On other days, I feel glued back together.
I find I'll have a few days where I feel great, followed by multiple days where I feel so much worse.
Depressed.
A perfect way to describe this is as if I were experiencing a total solar eclipse.
Let me explain… on April 8th, the moon covered the sun.
Certain parts of the country were in the direct line of the eclipse and were able to witness it.
Although we didn't get to see it as those in Texas or the Midwest did, the sky did darken.
Because that is what it feels like.
A total solar eclipse.
It is to be sunny and then to go dark for just a bit before the sun re-appears.
I'm a profoundly feeling and expressing person.
Sometimes, I hate that I can't keep things boxed up and put up on a shelf.
Feeling the weight of the world, along with my own struggles, feels so suffocating. Sometimes, it's hard to find my way out.
I fall into dips.
Mood swings.
It's hard to keep up…it can be confusing to understand what changed.
I often blame myself for the switch in mood rather than for being curious about what was happening during the flip.
In February, I shared a blog post about Internal Family Systems Therapy and my subparts.
Scout (anxiety/fear), Grinder (Perfectionist/Inadequacy), Self (true me).
Through my most recent depressive episode, I realized I have another part that I've never named.
Her name is Shade.
I was trying to think of a name that would represent the veil that covers my sun…a total eclipse experience is what it's like.
So she was born with the idea that the sun is still out, but I am in the Shade.
It's cooler there. Hazy blue hues surround me, and it's harder to see clearly.
The clouds change the lighting from brighter to darker as they move in the sky.
Think of it as wearing sunglasses in a poorly lit space.
It's foggy, shady, and like a screen in front of my eyes.
As I sat here trying to think of words to describe my feelings and thoughts, I was reminded that I had felt this way before.
I've been in this darkness repeatedly since I was a teenager.
I've been beating myself up for "not being better" or being unable to shake it off.
I've been so frustrated that I do the personal work thinking I'm going to leave Shade behind, only to realize she's part of who I am.
She's not going away.
She lives here, too.
Just like Scout & Grinder.
Shade, Scout, & Grinder are parts that make up who I am.
So maybe instead of trying to rid her, I need to sit alongside her.
Sadness is an emotion most of us don't like to experience.
Depression: who wants to be depressed?
It's draining, it's uncomfortable, it's grey.
Was I born this way?
Did it come from conditioning?
Was there an experience that kicked it off?
Is it co-morbid with ADHD?
Probably all of the above.
But does it matter?
It's who I am.
This is not to be confused with making an excuse but instead taking a stand.
We are moving away from the victim and moving into empowerment.
I have a lot of parts. I've just named 3.
And I'm sure there is more.
I'm ADHD.
I am a deeply feeling and sensitive person.
I struggle with rejection sensitivity and perfection.
For 30+ years, I've been trying to live up to a standard that isn't made for me.
I've been trying to be a generator in a projectors design.
I've been trying to be neurotypical in a neurodiverse brain.
I've been trying to be aloof and unaware in an empath's body.
The truth is most of us aren't living our true selves.
We can't.
We don't live in a world that supports individuality even though we promote it.
We encourage conformity.
Conformity isn't a bad thing.
We all want to belong.
We all want to feel connected.
But we want to feel connected to ourselves.
Wearing the mask while in the vibrancy of the group dynamic is draining…
We want to show up, but we haven't been taught how.
We are shown that differences put us on the outside and that being on the inside is what matters.
I wish I knew then what I know now.
Someone created a rule book of milestones and expectations of the human experience.
This then became the outline of how one should live one's life and how one needs to behave in society.
I have always believed the outline to be correct.
In some ways, it still is.
And in many ways, it isn't.
I wish we were taught how to grow on our own path.
I wish we were taught all in our own time.
I wish I could do so many things over again… with this knowledge.
This is the last layer.
This dislike for Self.
This lack of belief in Self.
This idea is that I am flawed, imperfect, and unworthy.
This is the last layer of the conditioning and the hardest to break.
I've unraveled other things.
I've found forgiveness in other places.
Here is where I am still stuck.
And the only answer is to accept it & ride alongside it.
Knowing that Shade is a part of my life can better help me get the treatment I need to support myself.
action steps to support depression:
Acknowledgement of my imperfection and struggle. Just this alone has supported me in finding more compassion and love for myself.
Therapy: I have invested in individual therapy bi-weekly and couples therapy weekly. Opening up to a trusted individual has been very helpful, as they have provided strategies, an alternative perspective, and support.
Exercise ( Instead of cortisol-boosting exercise like HIIT, I walk 30-45 minutes almost daily and do strength-based weights 2-3x a week)
Meditation/Mindfulness (I practice Transcendental Meditation- I am not as consistent on it as I'd like to be, but it's a good practice to have… if you are not a TM user, here are a few other things to try: Mindfulness Techniques)
Support through relationships (my husband and a few close friends)
Nutritional Supplements (adding in things I am deficient in, such as Vitamin D or B)
Diet + lifestyle changes (i.e.: limiting alcohol, getting better sleep)
Scheduling a Physical: I am reviewing my thyroid, hormones, and other blood tests to see if I am imbalanced in any way
Seeing a physiatrist to make sure I am on the proper medication for me.
If you are experiencing any of the following, it is essential to speak with your doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist to make changes.
The most important thing I want to remind you (and myself, for that matter) is that feelings change just like the moments we are in.
This too shall pass & you are not alone.
If you ever feel it will not pass and feel alone, please call, text, or chat at 988.
The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7 free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention, and crisis resources - https://988lifeline.org/