Feeling Like a Bad Mom? Here Are 8 Ways To Repair With Yourself
It’s fascinating to me how you can take the same drive but be in completely different states of mind.
The playlists change, the interpretation of traffic changes, even the idea of time becomes flipped.
This happened to me yesterday morning.
Last week I drove to my parents house while blasting country music and smiling about my gratitudes.
Yesterday, I drove to my parents depressed, agitated, and desperately needing a break.
I am imperfect.
Mother’s Day 2023
I posted our newest episode on instagram about imperfection & the importance of repair.
A few hours after I had posted I found myself in a frustrated state…and was living in exactly what we had talked about on the show…burnt out and feeling inadequate to manage my toddler’s behavior & carrying guilt of how I handled the morning.
My fuse is extremely short when I’m in this state of mind and find my children’s normal childhood behavior to be extremely triggering.
Snapping, frustrated, wishing I was anywhere but here, and utilizing screens more than I like…
The entire drive home after dropping my daughter at her grandparents I was riddled with guilt and sadness.
Detached from the outside world, consumed with my inner world.
Punch after punch… “you’re a terrible mother” “be better” “what’s wrong with you?”
Followed by guilt… “they are growing so fast, you’re missing it” “she will only be little for so long”
So how do we forgive ourselves?
How do we repair with— ourselves?
When we recorded the episode we were mostly talking about repair between us as a couple and with our kids when we get frustrated and say things we don’t mean.
During our conversation I had a huge realization which stemmed from me finding my parenting love language: quality time.
For the last 4 years of my journey I’ve expected way too much of myself.
I’ve been trying to parent through a misaligned parenting style.
And I’ve beat myself up for every thing I didn’t, couldn’t, or try to do.
Failure.
A constant failure is how I’ve felt about these years.
I’d have highlight moments only to be overshadowed by guilt.
Why can’t I handle it all?
Why is this so hard for me?
What’s wrong with me?
When we think about repair we often attach it to relationships and rarely do I hear it talked about in relationship to SELF.
As young children we are taught to make friends, learn how to share, and engage in a back and forth conversation.
And if you show more independence & internally process without verbal expression then you are labeled anti-social and introverted.
Or even more we are encouraged to “make friends” because being in a relationship with yourself is not enough.
On the one hand I agree that having a strong community around you is part of our developmental process and ability to grow — but without a deep appreciation for self how can we build ourselves among our peers?
I wish someone had told me when I was a young person that the most important relationship I would have would be with myself.
Monterey Bay Aquarium 2023
I’m actually very good at repairing with my husband and with my children.
The one person I am not good at repairing with? Myself.
Even though I grew up with therapists as parents who encouraged me to share my feelings the world quickly reminded me that sharing is not safe.
The majority of us are taught that feelings are bad…feeling sadness, frustration, and anger are not positive emotions.
We are encouraged to be grateful for all that we have.
Black or white.
That’s how we are taught.
We are either positive or negative.
We aren’t taught to be grey.
We aren’t taught that we can be more than one feeling at a time.
That’s the thing about feelings: they come and go and they blend with one another.
I learned a lot of about these feelings once my son received his autism diagnosis… relief, worry, sadness, joy, gratitude, love. They were all mixed up in one.
In regard to repairing with ourselves from these sticky moments I believe it’s the actual feeling of the feelings that help us repair the most.
This is easier said than done because the pressure to enjoy motherhood is at an all time high.
Constant messages bombarding us telling mothers to enjoy every second as it goes by so fast.
Yet, there isn’t childcare affordable, or that goes past 3pm, or good therapists that take insurance to support emotional regulation.
We are taught algebra 1 but not how to emotionally regulate ourselves.
We are taught about the presidents of the United States and we aren’t taught about how to ask for help.
Most of us believe that asking for help shows weakness and inadequacy because our society doesn’t showcase how vital a village is.
A one woman show is looked at as strength and resilience…doesn’t matter her mental health as long as she looks slender, sexy, puts food on the table, and also cooks it, takes care of children, doesn’t complain, has a social life, doesn’t drink too much, but isn’t a prude either…
I was on Instagram and a reel came up on my newsfeed.
A woman whose job in life is to be a mindset coach for moms.
Her claim is that after 12 years of anger and frustration a simple mindset shift changed her life and now she is happy and present.
Her 30 second reels show her laughing and cuddling…a carefree life.
Among that her videos show her in a very nice house with seemingly a lot of support.
SO of course she’s in a good space. She’s supported.
Sydney’s first beach day (Monterey, CA) April 2023
Blanket statements like just change your mindset are so damaging and insensitive.
What about the single mom?
What about the moms with special needs children?
What about the moms with their own mental health challenges?
Now, don’t get me wrong I’m all about encouraging a new perspective and living in the glass half full mentality.
But until we unravel our conditioning and get tools, support, and even medication how do we keep that positive mindset sustained?
Furthermore messages like this only furthers the idea that motherhood should always be joyful.
How is that realistic???
Even without children we aren’t always joyful…so now add a bunch of toddlers walking around dumping juice on toys and throwing cheese on the floor — how is that fun?
We all know time is fleeting.
We can see it when we look in the mirror.
We see it when Facebook reminds us of old memories.
But time is also fleeting for US.
If you’re anything like me you 1) still have your own aspirations 2) have given up a lot of yourself to mother your children.
Because we are taught that children come first.
Give THEN receive.
But, shouldn’t we receive so then we can give?
Here are 8 ways to repair with yourself:
I ask for space. It can be as little as an hour or as much as a day.
I write about my pain as I notice the more words that are down on paper the less they weigh on my shoulders.
I repair with my children and partner by taking responsibility for my actions and words while also explaining why I was feeling what I felt.
I talk to other moms that get it in order to create a warm and supportive cushion around me to bounce off of.
I feel it and try to move forward recognizing I am not perfect and never will be.
Change the CD in my head by doing something different (ex: getting up from doing work and go fold laundry)
Exercise
Take a break off social media
Halloween 2023
The truth is we are not perfect—as it’s impossible.
Some days I believe it more than others. It’s a constant practice and reframe. It can be tough to believe in the power of imperfection when perfection has been engrained in me for so long.
But it is possible.
Just like it’s possible to love your children and also need a break.
Just like it’s possible to love your partner and also feel resentful.
Just like it’s possible to believe in yourself and also have doubt.
When in reflection from these tough moments instead of beating yourself up practicing self compassion and reminding yourself that you are more than one thing can be very helpful and soothing…
An example: I didn’t say exactly what I hoped to say to my daughter today but I am still a good mom.
Because you are.
You’re a good mom.