The Heartbreaking And Transformative Truth About Grief and Pet Loss

20,654.

That’s the number of photos I’ve taken of my dog over the past 6 years.

A couple months is the number he lived after his cancer diagnosis.

Pax had stage 4b T cell lymphoma.

A cancer that had no cure. A kind that is aggressive and took him from us quickly.

I used this painful wake up call to recognize life is not guaranteed and nothing is forever… as we often get lost in the day to day.

I felt as if I’d never been more patient or present with him as I was during those months. I hate that it is that way but it doesn’t matter anymore.

Death is heartbreaking and also brilliant because it wakes you the FUCK UP and finally LIVE.

I read the most beautiful quote once, “our dogs are just a chapter in our book while we are their entire story.”

Life with Pax was the best chapter I’ve ever read.

I received the gift of learning our dog is at the end stage in his life.

Because grief can also be joy and it can also be transformative.

We often credit the good stuff in life for being a catalyst for change when sometimes it’s the darkness that sparks new beginnings.

Pax was diagnosed with Cancer in early September.

He started declining Christmas eve day…

We got 3 solid months with him.

The kind of months that made up for the months that I was too busy to make time for what was really important.

As much as it pains me to lose him there is no mistake that this was his time to move on.

He served his purpose.

Pax getting sick and passing away was the end of our capsule of time with him.

But, the book didn’t end when he died.

His death was the awakening to the next chapter in our story.

I started therapy January 2022 but didn’t start really leaning into it and doing the healing work until mid August.

Pax was diagnosed with cancer September 9th.

I went through the 1st part of my transformation during the window of time he was sick.

I grew forward he began to fall back.

He served his purpose.

And his purpose is now mine.

I remember the first couple days after he died. Everything felt so surreal… The Saturday after he passed we had to stop at the tire store for my car.

“Thanks for being patient with me” the man behind the counter said.

I was checking out after getting new tires.

I told him I had 2 kids and was use to it.

He told me had a cat and said although not the same he had also learned patience through responsibility.

I responded “oh! I know what you mean. I have a dog — I mean…had a dog.”

He looked at me and I said, “he passed 2 days ago from cancer”

The exchange went on and he shared that he was so sorry for my loss and that losing a furry member is so hard.

It was the first time I said that…that I HAD a dog.

My identity was changing.

Who was I without Pax?

For the past 6 years I’d grown up and grown into different titles…including dog mom.

And now there was an empty space after my name.

And I hate space.

I don’t like breaks, I don’t like stillness, I don’t like uncertainty.

The space between two days ago and that day felt like being on a boat in the middle of sea storm.

Calm then stormy, then peaceful followed by more choppy waves.

I use to believe I couldn’t manage it… the waves of loss.

That I wasn’t strong or resilient enough.

But, there’s no mistake we lost Pax in the midst of my personal transformation…so many lessons to be learned and I’m open to receive them due to the individual work I am doing.

What I’m learning about grief is that is not linear.

It will come in waves.

A wave of gratitude followed by a heavy heart and remembering the loss.

I had a thought that maybe it gets easier at the same time it gets harder.

Easier in the sense that time has passed and it’s not as fresh and harder in the sense that more time passes and the recognition that they are never coming back becomes real.

Pax always served as inspiration to me.

So no, he wasn’t just a dog.

He always helped create connection to a deeper part of myself that always wanted to crawl out.

In the beginning it was just about following my passion of photography and writing when creating his instagram account.

I had no idea it was going to blossom into so much more.

After I had my children I sort of lost my way.

It didn’t help having ADHD and PPD. My brain felt foggy and unclear.

I kept dabbling in different things but nothing felt right and what I know now is that it just wasn’t time.

I’ve honestly felt unclear for almost 4 years.

But not anymore.

Although, I feel clouded for other reasons I feel clear as day on what I want my life to look like.

Pax always encouraged me to be brave. I mean heck, I jumped off a boat and almost lost my legs for the guy.

I have the scars to always remember… “be brave Nikki!”

His aura has inspired me to try. to build. to live. to start…again.

I hate that his cancer diagnosis shook the cobwebs out of me but I am also just so thankful to finally see again.

I’d been wondering how to find my way back to where and who I use to be.

And it was right here in front of me the whole time.

Pax. 

My guide. My teacher. My muse.

The dog that started it all for me.

The dog that brought childhood passions that I had once left on a shelf back into the present.

The dog that helped me embrace and appreciate myself.

The dog that instills creativity and idea making.

My dog’s instagram account name was @paxthedood.

An avatar I’ve been trying on since 2017.

I guess I still carry the title of Paxthedood and that won’t be something I ever change.

But now I have to dedicate it to something new.

Because I’m not in the same place I was when I left working on this in 2019.

The character of the account is gone and what is left is me.

I suppose it’s been me the entire time, Pax, just aided in my cover. 

Thanks for that shield there bud. I wore it with honor.

I’ve been wondering what @paxthedood’s instagram followers have been thinking when reading my posts full of feelings and a truth of the person behind the scenes as I share more about myself.

Will they still listen if I don’t show up as him? 

Or will they fade when I finally start to show another side of me- the real pax the dood. 

Pax carried every single quality I’d want in myself. Kind, warm, curious, excited by life, fun, energetic, completely present, outdoorsy, big ole foodie, exceptionally loving and embracing of the human spirit. 

I’ve been practicing to be like him since that Saturday in December when we picked him up all those years ago.

I’ve decided that I’m going to continue sharing on his account because it feels really good and it’s important to keep the legacy of @paxthedood going; it’s my duty to continue to share what he stood for.

In 2018 I left my corporate job and formed my LLC, Leader of the Pax, which became my 1st business.

I thought the title worked since I was Pax’s owner. But it wasn’t until he passed that I understood what it really meant.

Leader of the Peace. That’s me. Hi. Here to share my take on the world with hopes that it somehow can make it a better place.

November 2023