Social Media Isn’t Real So Here’s How I Really Feel About Turning 36
Social Media isn’t real so here’s how I really feel about turning 36 years old…
When I originally wrote this - 6 days out from my 36th birthday I felt hopeful and excited for the change coming my way.
And when I finished the piece - the day of my birthday I had different feelings and I think it’s important to be honest about where I currently am rather than posting some bullet points about life.
Due to some unforeseen circumstances the birthday plans that my husband had laid out over the weekend fell through.
This happens, it’s life.
Once the plans fell through I had expectations about something else happening in it’s place.
Nothing did.
I was left feeling confused and sad.
Today is my birthday and as I was driving my son to therapy this morning I had a thought (many thoughts) about all that I was feeling along with birthdays in general.
Over the past 3 days I’ve had so many competing thoughts & feelings … frustration and acceptance, disappointment and gratitude, sadness and happiness.
I tend to have these feelings and thoughts right around my birthday.
I think most of us do…reflection of the past year and hope for the next.
Are we where we hoped to be by this next milestone?
Are we accomplishing the goals we had set out for ourselves?
Aging in general is a complicated experience…especially if you haven’t made peace with your current place in life.
As I read my Facebook birthday messages one stuck out in particular, “Happy Birthday to you! Enjoy your special day, Nikki!”
One special day.
That’s it.
That’s all we are told to celebrate.
And the pressure that comes along with celebrating it right or comparing to how someone else is celebrated is just a trap.
How can the reality ever live up to the fantasy?
Is any of this even real?
Here’s what I know to be true.
I have no control over anything.
The only thing I can (semi) control is my thoughts, beliefs, & actions.
Things aren’t going to go the way we hope.
Sometimes we get lucky and everything aligns but for the most part life tends to throw curveballs our way especially when we put so much emphasis and expectation on how we hope something to go.
This is the first year that I’ve noticed I was born at the beginning of a season change.
And not just any season…spring.
An awakening season.
My small light brown desk is pushed up along side the window in my walk in closet.
When the blinds are open I face the street and a large southern red oak tree in my front yard.
Right now its branches are covered with brownish yellow feathered like leaves…soon it will be a green so bright I often ask myself it’s real.
A full bloom.
That is the culmination of a full year before a birthday.
Like the seasons of nature we have personal seasons.
Winter: sadness, darkness, heartbreak, hibernation
Spring: hope, new beginnings, and opportunities.
Summer: growth, joy, exuberance
Fall: Melancholy, acceptance, slowing down
So when a birthday comes around it means …change is coming.
A new season.
Evolution.
A new year, a new me.
The truth of the matter is we are NEW at the next birthday.
Although we aren’t new-new like the day we are born we are new in the sense that we have gathered another year of experiences, learnings, painful moments, growth, new friends, and more.
We enter the next birthday with a gift…and I don’t mean a Gucci bag.
Although that would be fun— we enter the next birthday with the gift of wisdom.
I went to research about “turning 36” I was surprised and intrigued with what I found.
I typed in on google, “36th birthday meaning” and 3 of the top 4 links were all about celebration and it being one of the most special birthdays of all.
According to Corie Chu: “Three key reasons why turning 36 is a really big deal? 1) Your master life cycle gets activated. 2) Your women's cycle gets activated. 3) Your natural talents kick off into full throttle and they will help you grow significantly personally and professionally over the next 18 years.”
I kept getting more and more affirmed, THIS IS MY YEAR.
Until I got to the 4th link.
This one was about how 36 is a nothing special birthday
This particular read shared that 36 is just like any other year and it being a mundane experience.
Within the article the author describes how turning 36 wasn’t a big deal at all and that it reminded her of her deceased husband who was 36 when he passed.
It got me thinking about perspective, life, and how the current state we are in reflects how we make meaning out of situations.
We make different meaning out of signs depending on our current emotional state and how we feel about our life’s circumstances.
For example, I have shared many times that over the past year and a half I’ve been on a journey untangling myself from a deep rooted belief system drenched in inadequacy.
And it’s opened me up to creativity and dreams that finally feel congruent.
So when I read that 36 is a powerful year of me I made meaning out of that.
It affirmed how I am currently feeling.
But let’s just say I was newly postpartum with my daughter and I was just navigating bringing home a new child and all that comes with it.
I might attach meaning in a completely different way.
Beyond the big things in life our everyday experiences impact how we see birthdays.
Birthday blues, birthday joy.
It can sway back and forth hourly.
The most important thing I try to remember is that both of these feelings are valid.
For many years of my life all I heard was complaints about aging.
But in my opinion I’d prefer me in my 30’s.
Although sometimes I would love my 25 year old body back- not just because the tight skin and youthful glow but also I tend have aches and pains that I didn’t have back then…haha :)
AND there are also a lot of things I didn’t have back then that I have now.
So many things I’ve learned that have helped me feel more confident in my skin and with who I am.
Here are 36 life lessons I learned this past year:
Autism isn’t a death sentence
Couples therapy isn’t just for when you’re in crisis
individual therapy is life changing
Human design is essential
Exercise doesn’t have to just be about changing your body it can be to change your mind.
Workout because you love your body not because you want to change it.
Food is your friend not enemy
Parenting.is. hard.
Compassion and empathy come along side hardship
And so does resilience
Following your arrow will only point you to success
Conditioning has played a hard trick on us all
Anxiety can’t be “fixed” but it can be supported with Internal Family Systems Therapy
Weekly meetings with your spouse help communication
Planning birthday parties for my kids is stressful and just not worth it
My ADHD is real and it absolutely increases my stress levels and complexity
Grief is part of life and as much as it is devastating it also can be transformative
Comparison is a thief of joy. Stick to your lane.
Do what you love, it will come easy and so will success.
Often we are the reason for our struggle- we can choose how to look at what we are given.
Set boundaries for YOURSELF.
Saying no to things even when you don’t have plans is ok.
That I can tolerate uncomfortable feelings and anxiety.
Life is showing us signs all the time it just depends on our perspective to be able to witness them.
Your weight is meant to ebb and flow.
Friends for a season, friends for a reason, friends for life.
As you’re growing you’ll leave people and it’s not easy but it’s essential.
Botox is the BEST.
Relationships get better with age.
Taking medication to manage mental health is ok.
Releasing expectations is the best way to go.
Becoming conscious to life can be overwhelming and awakening.
Intimacy is not just physical.
That social media is fake and detrimental to my well being
That I have something to say and do in this world and that I’m good enough to try
Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.
A big thing I’d like to release moving into this next year is the pressure I put on myself to be perfect.
Whether that’s in my motherhood journey…there is a message that time if fleeting and if we aren’t present every second with our children we are doing it wrong.
It can be hard to always be interested in parenting, especially while we have our own things going on.
There are more than the 18 summers instagram is yammering about.
In my opinion if you do it right while they are kids you’ll be even closer with them when they become adults.
Why does it have to end?
Why can’t it just evolve?
I need to remind myself that the expectation I hold myself to is not reality and that MY GIFTS are in the imperfection.
I truly hope to work on my empathy towards myself and trust that I am good enough and doing enough.
In some ways I don’t feel 36 and in others I do.
I still feel like I’m a youthful person who doesn’t have much experience navigating the world…
Until I’m in a situation where I need to speak up, use my voice, or say no— that’s when I feel 36.
Overall, I’m ready to enter my late 30’s.
As Kacey Musgraves sang in her new album, I found a deeper well.
This side of the 30’s is wisdom, healing, growth, deepening.
It’s time for 36.
Happy Birthday to me!
