7 Reasons Why You Should Go To Couples Therapy Before You’re In Crisis

Let’s face it being a relationship is the hardest, scariest, most incredible thing you can ever decide to be in.

Most of us sit on opposite sides of the couch even though we desperately want to be close.

Even though we want and desire love it is scary to be loved and it’s even harder to love back.

Is it real?

Will it last?

How can I trust?

By the time we hit our mid thirties most of us have been in relationships.

As I look back I’ve had my experience of the good, bad, and ugly.

There are a few relationships that stand out more than others.

The ones with the big milestones within them, the ones that left me brokenhearted, the ones that changed me as a person.

And then the one I chose to marry.

Jarrod is a mix of all the men I ever dated taking all the good things about them and merging them into one incredible person.

As Jarrod round the bend to our decade long marriage and almost 15 year partnership together I have learned a lot about myself and love.

I’ve learned a lot about how much I don’t know about.

I’ve learned a lot about how much more there is to go.

I’ve also learned that growth is always possible, if wanted by both people.

Marriage is a choice.

And it’s not always an easy one.

Resentment, communication mishaps or lack of, and differencing on opinions and life can rock the boat.

Children- can rock the boat.

Promotions, lay offs, pets, individual choices, all things that can rock the boat.

Without proper navigating tools how is it possible to support one another through the ever changing landscape of partnership.

Jarrod isn’t the same boy I first met. He’s better.

He’s a man now.

I met him when he just had turned 24 years old. I was 22.

As I’m writing this I keep looking at a I have a screenshot of a photo I took while we were on FaceTime this morning… he’s now edging closer to 38.

Salt & peppered beard, wisdom, depth, comfortability & confidence in his own skin… that’s who I’m looking at.

I often wonder if other couples feel as connected as we do.

It hasn’t always been rainbows and sunshine but even on the darkest days full of thunder and lightening there was still connection.

Loving this deeply is scary to me.

I worry somehow it will go away.

And I’ve been learning to let my guard down little by little to truly love and be loved.

A lot of this freedom has stemmed from therapy.

Both individual and couples.

I have done individual therapy many times…within hard times and then again postpartum x2.

Jarrod and I also discussed couples therapy over the years sometimes when we were continually cycling around the same issues the other times just to level up.

This past year we decided to go for it… while we were in the best place we’ve been thus far.

But isn’t couples therapy for when you’re in a bad spot?

Yes.

Can it be helpful other times?

Absolutely.

In fact I think it’s essential to creating and maintaining a strong and loving marriage.

My husband and I started couples therapy a few months ago.

Mostly built on some communication misses and wanting to up level our relationship.

Nothing was really wrong but we knew we could do better.

Both of us had done considerable amount of individual self work which allowed us to be more open to taking the next step of doing more work together.

Now that I think about it we had brought up doing couples therapy multiple times over the 14 years we’ve been together but honestly it wasn’t until we had done enough work individually for us to truly be open to working together.

I personally believe that in order for a marriage to work each person needs to do their own self discovery and healing so they can bring their authentic selves to the partnership.

My individual therapist suggested a Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) trained therapist.

What is EFT?

Created by, Dr. Sue Johnson, “Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a humanistic, evidence-based approach to psychotherapy, drawing primarily from attachment theory to facilitate the creation of secure, vibrant connection with self and others. Rooted in the science of emotions and attachment, EFT helps clients identify and transform the negative processing and interaction patterns that create distress.”

Jarrod and I have learned so much about one another in just a short time and have been able to apply it to our marriage.

Things like him acknowledging the unseen default parenting work and me remembering that escalating a problem to anger will only result in him disconnecting.

Jarrod and I already have a very strong communication within our relationship. Something that wasn’t always present but has grown over the past decade and then again when we became parents and then even deeper when I began my personal development journey in 2023.

I think this is also important to note as there have been many times that people will say, “have you guys always been like this?” Or just feel lightyears behind. We’ve been there too. There were times I wasn’t sure it was going to work.

But with the right person and the right partnership people will grow and evolve throughout your time together.

After all life is full of growth, change, and evolution. Sometimes the change is hard, sometimes the change is unwanted, but no matter what it is something you can count on happening.

With this being said couples therapy can be super helpful with navigating not only the change itself but how each person deals with life’s curveballs individually.

In many ways couples therapy isn’t any different than conversations that we do have regularly but it does have some significant differences that I’ll list out below.

1. First, it creates a very safe space. Both of us feel supported by Star* (not her real name). She is able to ask questions or pause us in places we wouldn’t have normally thought to check in on. She invites us to dig deeper even when it’s uncomfortable. Star checks in with both of us after speaking on a vulnerable topic and brings insight that wasn’t there before. Navigating vulnerable topics is extremely extremely uncomfortable. Our therapist truly creates a space where we both feel open enough to share.

2. Secondly, improving empathy. We have learned a great deal about one another especially about those trigger points and hot spots. And with the guidance of a therapist we have gained new perspective of not only our own thoughts but of one another’s.

3. Third, and this is a good one. Every couple has a pattern (especially around conflict or hot spots). Star has provided us a roadmap of our conflict “dance” and identified our feelings individually while also recognizing how the “dance” begins. We have gained insight into our relationship dynamic.

4. Fourth, As I mentioned above Jarrod and I have great conversations but we are also stuck within ourselves and don’t always HEAR the other person. She is a wonderful sounding board. Having Star there to play a neutral party provides unbiased feedback while also helping us look at both sides.

5. Fifth, coping skills. A big worry I have is about loss- especially losing my spouse. My therapist has taught me about tolerating those uncomfortable feelings and supporting myself through it.

6. Sixth, we have learned skills and gained tools on conflict resolution. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships but how individuals and couples manage it can make a big difference. Jarrod and I do a good job navigating for the most part and typically come back with repairing. However, discussing these conflicts within couples therapy has been super helpful as Star is able to pull things out that we may have missed and develop better ways to resolve conflict in the future.

7.  Seventh, it has strengthened our connection. Many people think of intimacy as physical. And although I believe that physical intimacy is very important in relationships it’s not the only type. Communication, especially vulnerable communication along with other exercises and practices — like Jarrod and I are launching a podcast — can strengthen a marriage.

Although uncomfortable couples therapy has brought a new wave of intimacy into our relationship.

A few months ago I was scrolling through instagram and I saw a couple who are relationship coaches share that they are on their third marriage… With EACH OTHER.

That through the course of their time together they had evolved 3 different times together and experienced new sides of the relationship.

I’d say that Jarrod and I are in our second marriage.

The first marriage was honestly growing pains and growing up.

Although there was a heaviness that came with challenges it still didn’t carry the weight of real responsibility.

When we had kids we had to change and measure up to the hopes we had about the kind of parents we would be.

And even more so when our then 2 year old was diagnosed Autistic.

Couple therapy has been so helpful in navigating the ups and downs of life and ultimately understanding one another on a more authentic level.

And that is What Nik Knows about…couples therapy!