EP 9: Setting Boundaries, Prioritizing Your Relationship, Navigating Spontaneity: A Parent’s Guide
In this conversation, Jarrod and Nikki discuss the importance of prioritizing their marriage while raising children. They talk about the challenges they faced in the past and how they have learned to communicate and set expectations when going out together. They emphasize the need for individual growth and self-care in order to be better partners and parents. They also discuss the importance of saying no and setting boundaries to maintain balance in their lives. Overall, they highlight the importance of open communication, planning, and prioritizing the different aspects of their lives.
Takeaways
Being spontaneous with children requires careful consideration of the impact on routines and plans.
Setting boundaries and saying no are important for maintaining balance and avoiding overwhelm.
Building and maintaining adult friendships can be challenging, especially with the responsibilities of parenting.
Decisions about social events should be based on personal values and well-being, rather than social pressure or fear of missing out. Prioritizing the marriage is essential while raising children
Open communication and setting expectations when going out together is important
Individual growth and self-care contribute to being better partners and parents
Saying no and setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining balance
Planning and prioritizing different aspects of life is necessary
Episode Transcript:
Jarrod Sammet (00:02.478)
And we're back! One day it will take five minutes to back. We thought, I thought I had set us up this morning to be ready to record and it still took an hour to figure it out. I know. It's okay. The process. This is the effort. This is the fun. Yeah. This is the fun, right now. I don't want to talk about this part. Okay. I feel like people don't care. I that was part of the podcast. I know. but you're stopping it. Yeah, I feel like people care. Okay. Do think people care?
Jarrod Sammet (00:31.63)
It's human experience, that's what we're supposed to be saying.
Jarrod Sammet (00:37.166)
Okay, you want to start over then? Sure. Okay. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back, Nik We should have taped the whole prior to getting this ready. We should have done like a little like fast -forward versions of us trying to like just put up like a GoPro in the corner and then time lapse of an hour of us trying to figure this out before. In my head, it feels like it is a much easier process. Yeah.
Jarrod Sammet (01:04.366)
It was not this complicated when I had my own podcast. Well, you were on a Zoom video. No, I had no video. Yeah, you had put into it. Oh yeah, because you had guests use recording the guest on the Zoom video. Yeah. That was it. But I didn't even do anything with that. Yeah, well we're trying to make videos now. I know. We're trying. Anyways. Anyways. So, should get into it? Let's do it. Okay. Cool. You came up with this topic. I think it's really interesting. Yeah, I think it stemmed from...
Jarrod Sammet (01:32.75)
An action or thing we did on Friday. Out of the blue we got offered the opportunity to go to a festival. We like festivals, but we hadn't been to a festival in a long time. This was about 11 o 'clock on Friday. I was at work. Someone asked me, let me know, and I was like, I'll just ask Nikki. There's no way we're going. I threw it out to you, but then we found out there was just two tickets that we could get and not have to pay for. And we're like...
Jarrod Sammet (02:02.03)
And one of your favorite artists was playing Noah Kahan like dude can we figure this out? So the first step was to call your parents Of course your dad said yes, cuz that's kind of guy he is It's like you have it's like I'm a teenager again, I'm having to ask my parents for permission to go out true anyways but that's part of what your parents are here and you and they are awesome and they support us and all those things so
Jarrod Sammet (02:30.702)
Like we did, there's no way, there's no way you're finding a sitter that fast or anything like that. So we're fortunate that they're here. And then we literally went back forth for hours, like, is this gonna be hard? What's this? And then we're like, we just made a decision and went. And had a great time. But, when we're that spontaneous with kids, and the only time we really get on the weekends to do a lot of things that we need to do, kind of throws everything off. Get home late, go to sleep late, wake up the next day. We had plans to do things Friday.
Jarrod Sammet (03:00.686)
Didn't get to those and everything piles up. So I think what we wanted to talk about today, but there's more there's a lot more. Okay. Yeah, I'm just saying there's wait like the after effects, but we'll talk about it. Okay, but what we want to talk about today is like being stills. Can you be still upon the spontaneous with kids and making last -second decisions And then that kind of carried into other topics we started talking about was like saying no to things
Jarrod Sammet (03:30.606)
Right? Saying no to going out, saying no to going to events. When you have kids, because you know that causes challenges, that's hard. Are you going to enjoy it? Because if your kids are young and they're running around, it's like, I'm not going to talk to anybody. I'm just going to chase kids for two or three hours. But then also the important part of still in a relationship, like still need to be able to go do some of those things, like going to a concert, but probably more planned, but still.
Jarrod Sammet (03:59.886)
doing things, because our relationship is the foundation of all this or it breaks. So it's like a combination of all these things, right? Friendships, relationships, going out, going out and just like, hey, there's a birthday party with friends, it's planned. But like, how long you going out for? How much are you drinking? Because you know the next day is gonna be really tough. What does that all look like? And how are we aligned when we do go something of like when we're leaving?
Jarrod Sammet (04:28.43)
what that looks like and then I think what we talked about again the most important part is if we know we're going out we're gonna get to bed late planning out the next day and not just walking into it tired and then irritated because we're tired and then we battle because we don't have plans and I feel like nothing gets done so all those things are just a lot.
Jarrod Sammet (04:50.062)
But I think that that's come up in the last literally two days for us. Yeah, I mean last night alone. I go we both had a comment. You said I'm frustrated and I said I'm frustrated. Yeah, and like you were frustrated because I was being
Jarrod Sammet (05:03.982)
Rude, I mean, I don't know, saying sharp... Sharp things. Sharp comics. Say sharp comments. Sharp comments when I was trying to do something. And that's because I was getting frustrated myself, right? Yes. Because of what you talked about. I would because we both said it, which is nice. Yeah, I We talked about the frustration, which is why this is coming up today, because... And then that last piece that you brought up about having...
Jarrod Sammet (05:27.342)
Okay, like if we're gonna go do this, then how does that impact the rest of the weekend? Because we have goals and plans, especially...
Jarrod Sammet (05:34.222)
Because like yes, there's like household things to do but then there's also goals and things we want to achieve or that you want this thing like this or like you staying on top of the budgeting things that you're really interested in doing or me feeling like the house is picked up like these are I just want to laugh at that because and that's not normally something that I would I know you're the clean one, but I really even wanted to get to the house being clean anyways So then that throws everything off and so that it makes the spontaneous decision
Jarrod Sammet (06:03.854)
Not really feel the moment it felt great. Yeah. But you have to separate the two. Right. So where do we want to start? Do you want to start with spontaneity? Do you want to start with putting your marriage first? So here's what I got. I got setting boundaries and saying no. I have, if you do go to do something, what is the expectation and aligning on that both for going out as well as the rest of the weekend. Like who's getting up and what does this look like? Then I have adult friendships. Like it's important to go to.
Jarrod Sammet (06:33.76)
these things at the same time. You have family first, right? Then spontaneity and that's pretty much what I got. So... What do you think is a good place to start? I know. I guess we could probably start with adult friendships because it leads into all the rest and marriage first. How those all come together. Because adult friendships is the part we want to have relationships, right? We have our relationship, but we want to have...
Jarrod Sammet (06:58.318)
Relationships that are not just centered around our kids that are adults we can go out and do things. But then because that's gonna be so limited, which things do you choose to do? Right? Because what we came down to some other decisions that we made recently is that sometimes you just make decisions knowing it's you're not gonna enjoy yourself or it's not gonna be fun or it's gonna be really hard.
Jarrod Sammet (07:19.47)
Why choose to make that decision? Just because you're supposed to? Because it's socially normal? Because what if they don't invite us again? But it has conversations like, are we going to enjoy ourselves? Is this going to be fun? Is this going to be hard?
Jarrod Sammet (07:35.118)
probably not gonna be that much fun. It's going to be hard and we're already stressed. So why make that decision? But it's challenging because when we first got married or we were even dating, it's like, let's do it all. Who cares? We can wake up the next day and do nothing. It really didn't matter at that point. Yeah, I mean...
Jarrod Sammet (07:54.958)
mean, friendships have evolved a lot, right? I mean, you think about it as you go through college, you have these big friendship groups because that is where your time and energy is spent and you have common interests. And then I feel like friendships become smaller and like far between, right? So it's like...
Jarrod Sammet (08:16.078)
And if you have kids who have things in common, you're going to go into that direction. Kids the same age. Like you can't relate to people who don't necessarily have it. It gets harder to be able to fit all that into your calendar. And so when things do come up, that's a question that I ask myself is like.
Jarrod Sammet (08:33.39)
Is this a relationship that I want to invest in? And the other part of that is how do I feel when I'm in that environment? And the two is like, how do I feel afterwards? Because I'm the type of person who has masked a lot of my life.
Jarrod Sammet (08:49.55)
And I am now just getting to a point where I'm showing up as myself, but I do still show up masked in certain situations. And when I get back, I'm completely depleted for days. It's not worth it. But it's also hard because we live in a social media time. And specifically for me, I don't think it hits you in the same way. For me, it's funny because I'll see things on Instagram and I'll be like, like that looked fun. Or I wasn't invited. I feel a little rejected. At the same time, I know that I didn't.
Jarrod Sammet (09:19.456)
I want to go do that thing. But it's what you're saying is like we say yes because we feel like we have to or we say it's because we don't want be left out we say yes because we want to be included. We've been like we say yes like we have to go do something. Yeah. Like we haven't done anything in a while. We gotta get out of the house. It's important but...
Jarrod Sammet (09:37.39)
making sure that it's important, not because we feel like we just have to go do something, but that what we're actually doing is intention Because once I realized when we got married and then started having kids, the most important like couples relationship, it's interesting because it's, there's four different relationships that have to work. It's the girl and the girl have to like each other. Oh, we need to start like double dating The girl and the girl have like each other. The guy and the guy have to like each other. Then each girl and guy cross ways like, you know, cause there's been some times that you're like, yeah.
Jarrod Sammet (10:05.102)
She's cool, but I don't really like him or vice versa. And you're like, well, that is not going to work because one person is not going to enjoy themselves. So all of these things come in play. It's hard. Do you think that there are any people that really have like what we see in the movies in terms of adult friendships? I think there's some. Yeah. And some that maybe they all have been together for a while and then those relationships formed and you all hung out for a while. Then people got together and then...
Jarrod Sammet (10:34.734)
those were like, you know, you're in this group and then people in the group became in a relationship and got married. Right? Like a lot of our friends over in Orange County like they have, like, we were in a big group of people and then people within that group.
Jarrod Sammet (10:46.67)
like got together and got married. So it felt like, yeah, the relationships are gonna continue. The girls already have relationships, the guys already have relationships. So it just worked out that way. Yeah, but a lot of those people have moved. Yeah. Like us. Yeah, that happens, right? And that's what happened to us. We moved and so. So that's another thing, right? So those were pre -established relationships.
Jarrod Sammet (11:07.534)
So to then make the decision that you're go build new relationships while you have You're in the midst of your own family unit, especially with young children And you're managing your own ambition your own you know shit that's going on and parenting like and then to then say I am going to invest in relationships and starting at that very baseline where you don't really know people yet. That is hard. That's hard because you know relationships take time to form
Jarrod Sammet (11:37.44)
Yeah, so you gotta like it's not just you can go once and make the decision like that's not fair and that's unrealistic It's like you got it because people you don't know how open people are the first time you meet them and then you slowly get to know each other better but like It's like okay. I'll see you one time in a year and then I'll see you again because of getting plans and things like happening and so
Jarrod Sammet (11:59.726)
Adult friendships are really interesting. I think also now having an autistic child, although we talked about this yesterday, Jake is easy. He's in certain ways, right? And then like there's other challenges that we have with our other child. But I think that causes, at least for me, some hesitancy to do certain things.
Jarrod Sammet (12:25.358)
I don't necessarily want to feel what comes up for me in those moments. So I tend to want to avoid stuff I also know if he like fully enjoying himself anyways, right? So, you know, this has been really interesting in regards to like building relationships at this time and then when things do come up
Jarrod Sammet (12:45.39)
Do we say yes? Do we say no? You know, and then I'm just curious what your thoughts are. So it kind of goes along with the spontaneity, right? So, you know, we got offered an opportunity to go to this thing. We don't know how it's going to go. But then like sometimes you go to things that you didn't really want to go to and you had a good time. And so what's the line to like push yourself and what's the line to be like, I want to honor myself and I don't want to go. I think it's taking the time.
Jarrod Sammet (13:15.022)
to like sit, put yourself there, I'm there. What is it gonna feel like? What is it gonna be like, right? Like it's also, what do we value? We talked about this last time, experiences. This was an experience that we know we enjoy music. We know we enjoy this kind of music. The two people we're gonna meet up with, we love them, they're great, right? But we know like we love dancing at a festival or at a concert with good music. Like that's something we both really love. So if we really sat back and thought about it.
Jarrod Sammet (13:44.142)
You know you I love your dad's concept of 51 49. Yes, we were gonna get home late probably not get as good sleep, but which one weighs in that moment more we felt going was way more and it did right yes Because maybe we had plans and stuff the next day that we weren't prepared for that and didn't talk through that because we really didn't have time to that's what puts but I think if maybe was even a day before or we had decided earlier in the day and we were able to figure out. Okay. What is the next day to look like with everything else that's going on? I think
Jarrod Sammet (14:14.048)
We wouldn't have felt maybe the way we did the next day and how hard it was. Yeah, right. Yeah, I totally agree. I think that I was I remember we were sitting on Marta we've never been on Marta before first time and I was really anxious and uncomfortable and as we were sitting on the train I was thinking about like uncomfortability and doing things for the first time and
Jarrod Sammet (14:38.894)
You know, what's the reward of doing something like that and also anxiety in general? Like is it excitement or is it fear -based because your body and brain don't really know the difference, right? And
Jarrod Sammet (14:53.07)
Typically nothing bad is gonna happen, but the unknown of spontaneity can be really paralyzing for some people to not be able to do and I brought this up to you over the phone when I was like Jarrod This is not something that you have done recently like you used to have much more like let's just go do stuff whatever but over the last how many years would you say you've been dedicated to this kind of?
Jarrod Sammet (15:22.326)
Five, six. Okay, it's like going on to a decade. Like you're on the other side of five. Okay, so Jarrod really relies, is that the right word? Like his routine has become part of the reason.
Jarrod Sammet (15:38.126)
What you say it was what I value to it when you have kids like I don't know before you had kids though Yeah, this is like before yeah, well, I knew how I wanted to I wanted to feel right what made me feel good, right? Right, but it also routine for you has also been what? helpful helpful in growing
Jarrod Sammet (16:01.006)
Personally, yeah. Well, it makes you feel safe makes you think you're in control. Yes, and I can't my therapist tells me not to use that word in control agency I like having agency. Yes, I have the choices I make are my agency yeah and if I make the right the choices that I feel are aligned to what I want who I want to become right I think it was that too was like I used to live I live in the moment but I also know what I want my future look like I'm very clear on what that looks like so that's
Jarrod Sammet (16:30.912)
choices I make are going to influence. But I also love experiences and doing things. I just probably now more than ever is a little more planning involved. Yeah. It helps. But I... And I think I probably always been that way and I probably fell into social pressure. Yeah. Like in college or right after college like you know. And I had a great time but I found myself a lot on the other side of it. Beating myself up for some choices that I made.
Jarrod Sammet (16:58.094)
I have a very similar experience. Yeah, that were more spontaneous and like, you don't feel good today or like, did you really need to do that? Right, so I think I fell into it. I, you know, I'm a people pleaser too, so that's the battle is like when people want to do something or hype me up, I've gotten really good at that doesn't impact me as much anymore. Like if I know I'm pretty clear if I want to go do something or don't want to do something.
Jarrod Sammet (17:21.294)
Right? Before I was like, I'll do it all because I want to make people happy and do all these things. It should be fun, right? And then I always, not always, but a lot of times I have regret on the other side of it or not feel good about it.
Jarrod Sammet (17:35.566)
But anyways, about this routine, is like I asked you, I was like, you know, how come you're able to be spontaneous about this, but not with other things? Because this the value. Because this is the value. Yeah. Okay, so. Well, that was the last time we went. We love music, like, to everything. And going to concerts, and we love that. And when's the last time we got to do this? Okay, so if this was not a free ticket, how would you have felt? I would have felt probably different. You would have felt different.
Jarrod Sammet (18:00.462)
Yeah, this was like a green light. It was like hey like dude No, I even said to you like if we go we're like this is not working out Well, we could leave and not feel bad because we spent money on it. Yeah, right. What's your philosophy about that? You said like sunk cost like sunk costs even but it shouldn't be like can you buy something and then you go and it wasn't a great experience Like you didn't enjoy it. It's like or or say you bought a ticket to something or wanted to do something.
Jarrod Sammet (18:27.438)
and then that time comes up and you're realizing I actually don't want to go but you're like but I bought it but like the cost is already gone. Now it's about how do you feel so you're actually not gonna go and choose to feel that you're not enjoying something because you feel you have to because you bought already but the cost is gone but right now you know not going will make you feel better so it's actually better decision not to go the money's not coming back whether you go or not go.
Jarrod Sammet (18:55.182)
But you're gonna go - have FOMO? Like what is the Yeah, but they attract the money but we spent the money so we have to go do it. But it's like the money's already gone. And now you're gonna choose to do something knowing you're not gonna feel good? Like now it's the double whammy. Now you're gonna make it feel double worse. Right? So was like, dude, the cost is already gone. We actually don't wanna do this anymore. Cool.
Jarrod Sammet (19:17.198)
That's a better choice for us. We'll feel better. That's why I remember we did this months ago. We got invited to that party and last minute you were like, this is just not going to work today. And I was like, but we were invited and it's okay. It's not going to be good for us. Yeah. And so that was one of the first times we had done something like that. And I was like, oh nothing bad happened. And then when I remember,
Jarrod Sammet (19:45.23)
I think we were like I was looking at Instagram or whatever and I was like I was not meant to be there anyways and that's okay. Yeah, but I have a really hard time my parents always said that I wanted to be in two places at once. I have a really hard time Not a lot better. Oh, I've done. Oh now I really struggle because I feel that I'm in this thing where I I actually know what?
Jarrod Sammet (20:11.118)
I know they think about it. I actually can relate to you in a way because I have my weekly routine although I'm not like you have your you order of doing things I have my organized chaos of doing things but
Jarrod Sammet (20:23.47)
I also have a routine of my life, right? Of what my days look like, how I'm supporting myself. Like for example, you coming home and me going to exercise and then having dinner together, spending a couple hours with the kids or 30 minutes with the kids at that point. Going like then us doing some podcasting things. Like that's part of my, my, my personal development at this time. And I know that if I was asked to go do dinner,
Jarrod Sammet (20:53.646)
That is very hard for me to say yes, even though there are many people that I would love to go spend time with, it's really challenging. And then I'm like, can we go do it on Saturday or Sunday? But those are my time that I get the family all together, which is why coming all the way back around to adult friendships, like it's very hard.
Jarrod Sammet (21:13.23)
for at least me to have it all. Like to have the adult friendships, to have the social stuff while also being with my family, while doing the things just for myself. It's hard, right? It's really hard. So, I was really proud of us for going and doing something different. I noticed that I struggle a little bit with... I want to say that I'm spontaneous.
Jarrod Sammet (21:43.022)
But I'm also, and I am, being ADHD, I have spontaneity in the way that I like, like for example, I'm like typing something and I'm looking something up, I'm on money mindset, and then I'm like, I have to go do this thing, and I move over to the next task. So I task switch, or I think of an idea and I go this direction, so like there's a little spontaneity, or how I'm doing different things, but actually going to do something outside of my comfort zone.
Jarrod Sammet (22:09.134)
this age with the responsibility that I have with the like the level of loss that I could like and feel of something happening. It's very hard for me to be spontaneous now It's making the decision. It's like this paralysis
Jarrod Sammet (22:28.494)
Yeah, well I literally wrote you and I was like if I was 29 my 29 year old self says yes my 36 year old self a mom of two says no yeah, right, but then so let's talk about the marriage piece, right? It is I think one thing that we have now is this this is like an activity we're doing together all the time so
Jarrod Sammet (22:51.31)
It's kind of like we're spending intimate time together in a lot of different ways. So we are putting our marriage first in a way. Right. And so doing activities like going to the festival last minute, just us two having the opportunity to do that. Well, I mean, with our couple of friends is really important. Yes. Right. I read something the other day that said like,
Jarrod Sammet (23:19.726)
Make sure that you build a relationship with your spouse because once you have an empty nest, you don't want to have an empty marriage too. Because it starts with you two and then things expand, and then it ends with you two again. Well it starts with you by yourself, individual, then being with a partner, and then choosing to bring kids in this world. And then it'll go the reverse. No more kids, and then probably as an individual at some point again. Right? Whatever.
Jarrod Sammet (23:49.632)
that looks like but it goes forward and then it all circles back around. At the end you only have yourself. Right. So can get really esoteric with it but it will get to that point when it's all it's only you at the end so you have to remember that too so they all build on top of each other. So it's like that's why I think what's really good for us...
Jarrod Sammet (24:10.638)
is that we each have been really focused on it as individuals as well. Right? And that's making our marriage better and making us better parents. Can you talk about... This is, I think, really important.
Jarrod Sammet (24:24.558)
And it's probably another episode that we talk about but in like 2019 you were focusing on yourself. Yes, and probably 2020 as well You're focusing on yourself and you were like peaking. It was the year of Jarrod. I think he is what you called it 2020 was the year of Jarrod. So Then it evolved into 19, okay, so you were really taking care of yourself, right and then that changed.
Jarrod Sammet (24:54.684)
Do you know where I'm going with this? Well, we were talking about individual growth and like...
Jarrod Sammet (25:02.126)
So what I'm saying if people are listening to this and like okay, well they're saying go do personal work, but I also have responsibilities and I want to also be there for the people that I love and I if I leave it's super selfish so like especially as a woman and as a mom going to make those choices to go do quote -unquote selfish things. It's really really hard to do Yeah, but it's important because I always say it's if you're doing the right selfish things. It's it's selfless
Jarrod Sammet (25:32.08)
to be selfish because if your cup is not full, if you don't have the energy, if you don't feel like you've gotten time that you're growing, because you gotta remember we're still young. What was I, some book I read saying like, in actually like older cultures, kids were actually raised by the elderly, which makes a lot of sense, right?
Jarrod Sammet (25:56.558)
They were raised by the elder because the people that have kids are still young and still growing and if having your kids pauses your individual growth it gets really just so learning about who you are and why you operate the way you do and you're still growing so getting a relationship for some a lot of times pauses that because then you start what I what does this person need? And you stop forgetting about your own needs and then the resentment catches up later on. Yeah, because you're like well, I'm
Jarrod Sammet (26:23.438)
I haven't been able to grow or I've done everything for you. I've done nothing for myself. And then resentment started to grow. So I took on the philosophy of...
Jarrod Sammet (26:31.662)
Hey, if I invested myself, I put myself first in a selfish way, but to me it was unselfish that I can be, if I'm one, and then I can be a better husband than you're two then I can be, we can be better for our kids. And then kind of trails off after that. But if I knew if I was in a good place and I was taking care of myself, right? With balance, right? Because it is not, that's why I choose to get up extremely early. So it doesn't impact the time. Like it's not me coming home from work like hitting, I'm hitting the gym, right?
Jarrod Sammet (27:01.568)
kids. Right? It's me making that choice that I get my the first thing in morning is my investment in myself. I always say I a break my days in three days, right? Jarrod day one's Jarrod early morning, Jarrod at work, Jarrod family. Like three separate, right? And that allows me that I feel I come home fulfilled. I got what I needed for myself in the morning and then I got to go to work and I felt in a good place at work. Whatever happens at work happens at work but then I can be more present when I come home.
Jarrod Sammet (27:29.774)
I got that but the big the thing that I think maybe you were going to is that I was selfishly and investing in myself like it and sometimes it would take away from Being a partner and being there for my kids at times and it was that transition It was also thinking like dude, why doesn't everyone do this? Nikki? What do you what are you doing? This is great. I have all the answers and that wasn't helpful. So as a transition knowing I am still an individual but I am also in a relationship and I am also a father so
Jarrod Sammet (27:58.51)
It's not like I can go do whatever I want all the time to invest in myself, right? It's the communication saying it's a priority for me. I'm gonna do it. But I also have to set boundaries within it so I can, so it's not feel like you feel like I'm just completely selfish and he's not here for us and he's just taking care himself. He doesn't care about us. I care about you deeply. The reason I'm doing the work is...
Jarrod Sammet (28:19.822)
For myself but for myself because what I value is being a great husband and a great father Yeah, but I can't do that if I'm not good first off. Yeah, I totally agree I think that's such a great segue to talk about I want to come back to the marriage first and like some things that people can do other things that we've done that we'd have be happy to share but I want to come back to what you just said about communication and expectations because we brought that up in the beginning of like okay, we're gonna go out so what does this look like and
Jarrod Sammet (28:48.238)
the rest the weekend look like. So in the past, we really really struggled here. Like this was a really like a constant return fight. Like a lot. And this for me started when I was when I found yoga 25. And that became really my whole identity at that time. I was very connected to it. And I went through is I spent when I started to do a lot of
Jarrod Sammet (29:18.144)
personal work then and I stopped partying the way I was. I wasn't as interested in that and you had not gotten there yet. I was still well in it. Full wild card. Yeah, you were still really in it and that was tough at that point. Yeah, because like it was this go out and I...
Jarrod Sammet (29:36.014)
Yeah, and it broke trust because I would you would we call it peanut butter crunchy Yeah, that was the code word like you are peanut butter and then you would mean like you're done Sometimes wouldn't stop after crunchy. Yeah, and it would just be really very frustrating for me. And so going out I'd have a lot of anxiety or I didn't want you to go out by yourself like without me because
Jarrod Sammet (30:05.92)
Yeah, but even if I was there, it didn't always work. No.
Jarrod Sammet (30:09.518)
And so it's funny because like it's not funny but people who are outside of that situation like they just think it's fucking awesome like Jarrod's good life and good party and for me it's not doesn't did not feel like that. No, cuz like it wasn't I couldn't be there for you and you couldn't trust that I was I want to marry this guy and we want to have a family but like I can't trust that he's gonna be okay. Yeah. 100 % Yeah, but but that didn't influence me enough and think that's coming back to what we just talked about I needed to make that decision for myself.
Jarrod Sammet (30:39.424)
that was important to me. Right? You, obviously you yelling at me and you being really upset and us getting in major fights wasn't enough. Right? Until I made the investment in myself and made that decision. Well and that's like this past year or two years ago now at this point when I made the, or not like not a year, it was a year ago. I don't know when the days are, but when I personally made my decision.
Jarrod Sammet (31:04.814)
Like I'm going to change rather than it being like someone's telling me to do this. It's very different. Right. Exactly. So we used to go out and then, I'll be honest, like I was super relieved when the pandemic hit, like we didn't have to go anywhere. We had nowhere to be invited to. I didn't have to say no to anything. I'd have to worry about.
Jarrod Sammet (31:28.27)
what nights out looked like. I mean, it wasn't a horrible experience for me. But I think, I mean, these changes began in 2019, like we had Pax like we got it in 2017. But like, I just feel like there was changes that are starting. We live in San Diego.
Jarrod Sammet (31:47.278)
Also, when we got pregnant, things changed, we moved Encinitas. We now have a huge friend group in San Diego, either. We did in Orange County, so we had a huge group, so it was a big emphasis on doing things. But when do think that switch happened? Because I'm gonna get to the next part in a second. I don't know the exact time, but it was like, also, I liked going out and having a good time, but I also...
Jarrod Sammet (32:12.558)
liked feeling good the next day, remembering my great time, and then us having a good time together. It was more fun when you weren't mad at me and we were like enjoying the time together. And we both made the decision to leave and want to go, right? I always felt like that was really hard for me.
Jarrod Sammet (32:31.822)
when like, again, like any of the contest trips where there was like a few of those days that like just got really dark and like blacked out, right? And I really struggled because like I was trying to keep it together that I'm like, cool, I'm light. I'm not like some crazy bitch. Like I'm just like, yeah, I'm breezy, you know? But really on the inside, I'm like, this is really hard. This is not what I want, right? So,
Jarrod Sammet (33:01.774)
Anyways, so when we go out now, right? So we've painted the picture. We used to be crazy partiers I outgrew it. Then Jarrod took a little longer. And um...
Jarrod Sammet (33:16.142)
things have drastically changed. Like I don't really drink at all. Like I'll have a drink here and there except on the podcast launch party having the best night. But other than that, like I don't really drink. we don't go out very often, which is again, part of the spontaneity of like needing to shake things up. and it creates other challenges throughout the weekend. So.
Jarrod Sammet (33:43.086)
When we go out, when we were in that period where we were doing that, what were some of the things that, what do do now? Because what did I ask you in the train on Friday? What's our What time are going to leave? Are you drinking? How much fun are we having? We literally talk about it. We communicate about it. And even sometimes, like, hey, we've done this before. You can go have a little more good time tonight. You'll be the one.
Jarrod Sammet (34:12.206)
Right? And then, and then we've often even said like, hey, you can sleep in a little bit longer tomorrow and I'll take it. Right? No one like, it's like, this is for you or this is for your friends, things like that. But we're a aligned going into it. Right? And we don't push, we don't push it farther anymore. Like I don't push it right farther than it used to be. So I think it's discussing Hey, what is this night going to look like? What time do we want to be back? What does that look like?
Jarrod Sammet (34:37.742)
How much fun are we having? Yeah, right tonight. That's not a lot of drinks, but like what's the vibe we're going in with? Yeah, right and what are we and drinks? Yeah, like how are we getting home? Like are we driving there? Should we uber there? So we make all those decisions prior. Yeah, before we go into it. So we get the expectations set. We can communicate even throughout. We can communicate like we can change it if we want to. We're having a good time. Like what are you thinking? And but if one person's like no, I'm still feeling good, then we'll both make that decision. Yeah, right and we'll come back. And so like the next day, right, it's not one.
Jarrod Sammet (35:07.648)
one person takes over the other person's. It's like we have a conversation. We used to set it up, we don't do it all the time, but we set it up like, I get this morning, you get this morning. We used to be great about that, but. But like this weekend, for example, since we both went out and made the decision, we both got up both days this weekend, except this morning where Jarrod wanted our.
Jarrod Sammet (35:32.366)
I wanted to clean upstairs, but we time for each other point is the point is is just to communicate ahead of time shocking communication proactive not reactive right and because we don't know and then if you're not saying anything and one of the partners is sleeping in and then you're feeling resentful it just it's also gonna steal away from the joy that you have the night before and don't I think you'll be like well we can't be spontaneous and just do things like I get that
Jarrod Sammet (36:00.782)
But maybe this isn't the season. But maybe it's not the season, but also like look on the other side when you've done that in a recent situation I guarantee a fight, resentment, something happened on the other side of it, right? So you can still go out, we still want to go out and do fun things, but we know we can put things in place that'll actually make it more fun than the spontaneity of like, let's just see what happens tonight. Like that never works. It didn't even work when you were younger. It never worked.
Jarrod Sammet (36:29.486)
It probably didn't feel the best after that. I think what you can say instead is to, it's something that I'm working on all the time, is about expectations. So you can have a plan.
Jarrod Sammet (36:44.302)
Outline or you can have like intentions, but then your expectation of the evening Can be what is spontaneous like does that make sense? Like if you lower your expectations and you may might be and will be surprised of how You know what you what comes your way, right? I think we're just that over to go do something spontaneous. Yeah, we're gonna good time and what we didn't do well this time,
Jarrod Sammet (37:12.59)
we decided to go Friday last minute and like Jarrod said the very beginning we had plans so we do a lot of our podcast stuff we do house things we do a lot of stuff that needs to be done on the weekend so we pick one of the nights Friday or Saturday to do work another night to chill but we went out Friday and then Saturday because we had the kids and there was all these things going on we didn't have time to get to things we we did a couple things. I know.
Jarrod Sammet (37:42.496)
But then we, Friday, Saturday night, we were tired. And so we lost an evening, and it pushes it all to Sunday. But we also did last night, is we didn't let that happen, and just like, all right, we'll just figure it out tomorrow. No, we planned. We planned out today. We planned out today. We planned out Sunday, what it will look like. I get an hour in the morning to do budget. You get the time before we're taking them over to your parents to put laundry away, clean upstairs. Then we planned out the time we were going to have when we're...
Jarrod Sammet (38:09.774)
podcast, right? So that's been really helpful. Yeah. And the communication between it, the alignment, we know where we're heading. And I also want to say these conversations, like they may not go super smooth. They can be actually a little bit frustrating and that's okay. It's just, it's also understanding where somebody else is coming from. So that I think is like the biggest takeaways is it's okay to be spontaneous. Yes. To putting your
Jarrod Sammet (38:39.68)
first before your children which is not an easy thing to do but it is a vital thing to do and then is about adult friendships is about like where do you want to invest your time and also recognizing that you know it's the season I get maybe more challenging. Think about what you said like...
Jarrod Sammet (39:04.27)
Blocked there's so many buckets when you're married and have kids if you're in yourself that's time to invest in yourself You and your partner the marriage making that really good your kids having great relationship with your kids and fit them feeling like you're there for them. They do want to do stuff with them adult friendships
Jarrod Sammet (39:26.894)
Not a lot of time. That's four things that you have to think about. Probably everyone's thinking about, but do you break that apart and what does that mean? Yeah. Right?
Jarrod Sammet (39:37.326)
We know we can always get better, but we know what each of those means because those buckets all exist for us and where they fit on our priority list. Yeah, right. And you got to know that. Yeah. And you got to know where your partners list because everyone has that same list. Right. Where are you? You and your partners completely. Your partner's like friends first. Right. And you're like kids. that's different. Golf. Yeah. Golf. Right. So but we all have those four buckets. You need to have a conversation of how with those buckets.
Jarrod Sammet (40:07.232)
mean to each you and what those buckets mean to us and when when decisions come up to make getting invited to something okay first off where which buckets and then cool
Jarrod Sammet (40:19.374)
Will we enjoy that? Now let's go, okay, let's fast forward to that experience. Are we gonna have a good time? Are we just doing it because we think we have to do it? Because we need to, we haven't put something in this bucket in so long. So we should do something. No, like will you enjoy that? Is it gonna be fun? Like. And it's okay to say no. It's okay to say no. It is. And no, the more responsibility, the more you have on your plate, the more no becomes important. Yeah. In everything.
Jarrod Sammet (40:48.654)
And you have to think about that. Like, what is, it's a no together in a lot of these things. Something that I'm really trying to work on is like when I do get invited to things and I'm like, I still am saying like, yeah, like I'll put it on my calendar. And then I don't.
Jarrod Sammet (41:05.07)
follow up because I feel paralyzed. I don't know what to do. Yeah, I should do that too. Knowing you're never going to go to the thing. It actually makes it worse. I know. Then if you don't just upfront say, it's just not in the cards right now. I know. It's the art of saying no. You just book on that. The art of saying no, but it's really important. I know. Because again, it's back to social media. Like you should be doing these things and you should be hanging out with people. You don't want to disappoint people. Will they invite me again? What will happen? Right. And you go through all these thoughts.
Jarrod Sammet (41:34.976)
in your head. So again, you, your partner, your kids, then all the other stuff really does come after that. Yeah. Right? And that's important. So these decisions and when saying no, it's like, hey, how is this going to impact individuals? How's this going to impact us as a couple? How's this going to impact time with our kids? It sounds like a lot, but like it's just the communication about it. Right. Back to what we talked about last week.
Jarrod Sammet (42:03.406)
We plan out our finances, but we also plan out what we're doing.
Jarrod Sammet (42:07.502)
Like what events, what are we doing this weekend? So if it's kind of a free weekend, that comes sometimes paralyzed. It's like, hey, what are we even gonna do with the kids? Or hey, on Saturday, Nikki, I know you wanna do this, you got till 10 o 'clock. So that's kind of laid out. So it's not, the spontaneous when planning things, it's really hard and it's so hard and that's when fights, our fights used to happen a lot. Maybe some people are better than we are, but neither one of us likes that. We both like having a plan.
Jarrod Sammet (42:34.606)
Because going with the flow is good sometimes, but...
Jarrod Sammet (42:38.798)
Going with the flow is good when you know that's your plan. Yes. Yes. Great. Good call. So like, hey, Saturday, we're going to flow man. Yeah, we're doing nothing. something up, we'll do it. Yeah. Like that actually happened before, like a few weekends ago, right? We didn't know what we were doing and you wanted to get in out house and I was like, we looked at something up. Oh, this little event looks cool. Let's go check it out. It ended up being fun. Right. So those times are good, right? But we knew that the time... there's no expectations. No expectations.
Jarrod Sammet (43:08.704)
No pressure. Yeah, we're just like leave so that response a commitment is like hey, we're not gonna play anything cool that's fun. There's a plan and there's still moments that I was still stressful like going to dinner with two toddlers. Yes Whoo, I almost did not order dinner. She did why didn't that end up ordering it? But I almost did not yeah because I wanted to I get very overstimulated and then we went over to the grass and
Jarrod Sammet (43:36.27)
Jake ran through the water with full clothes on. But... Spontaneity! They're great at being spontaneous. Yeah. Yeah. Anything else we missed? I don't think so. Boundaries, expectations, adult friendships, spontaneity, marriage first. Yeah. Saying no. Saying no. That's the boundaries piece. Yeah. yeah. Say no.