The Dance of Dollars: Navigating Money Matters in Your Relationship
It's Friday night sometime in the early 2000’s, and I'm standing in my mother's walk-in closet.
She's sitting in front of her safe, going through a stack of white envelopes that hold cash.
They are all titled something different, "Vacation, Summer Camps, Swim Lessons, Special Events, Retirement, House Cleaning…"
She pulls out some cash, hands it to me, and then takes me to the movies.
If you've listened to our latest Over Dinner podcast episode on marriage and money, I asked Jarrod about his values and what it was like for him growing up.
This is just one of the many questions that can be helpful when navigating financial conversations with your partner.
Understanding your money story and history with money is essential to bring into your partnership.
Why? Money is often cited as one of the top reasons couples argue. Finances were the main reason for relationship conflict in 40% of disagreements reported in long-term relationships and are usually the most destructive type of conflict (Meyer & Sledge, 2022).
Conversations about money have changed over the decades as more women are in the workforce than ever before.
In 2023, the Pew Research Center found that women contribute an ever-greater share of married couples' resources. In 2022, 16% of heterosexual marriages had wives who were the sole providers or breadwinners, roughly triple the amount from 50 years ago, when it was 5%.
We've discussed how our belief systems dictate how we show up in the world in previous podcasts, such as Your Belief System or Shifting Your Mindset. And now it's time to talk about your money belief system.
What is your money story?
Beyond our parental impact, we were influenced by movies, friends, books, and where we grew up…these created core memories and stories.
According to the article "Knowing Your Money Story And How To Begin Re-Writing It)" on Girl Boss, our money story starts as early as three or four years old and is creepy as we absorb the world.
Comments made about money by parents when they weren't happy with the other parent, fighting downstairs, stress perceived by children (even if not told directly) also seeps in and this becomes "how something is handled and how something should be handled"
Money has always confused me.
I grew up with a mother as a breadwinner. In my eyes, she was seen as successful because she made money.
And in society's eyes, money equals success.
I've strived to be a financial contributor in every relationship and feel I need to work on pulling my weight when I'm not working.
It wasn't until I was in my 30s and became a mother that I was able to understand the stress she was under with not only one income but also her own business.
Everything and everyone relied on her.
Although my mom has loved every year of her long successful career I know there were times she felt torn and wasn't able to do due to her ties to work.
My parents were beautiful partners and still are, and of course, it's not perfect.
As much as my mom loved her career, I know there were times she was resentful and frustrated and vice versa for my dad being at home with me.
In the early 2000s, my mother was the only mom I knew who worked full-time.
Most of my friends had moms who stayed at home, and I often felt jealous that I didn't have that with them.
It's part of the reason I've paused my career.
However, while I was little, she was there and around, but of course, those memories are far more distant than those of elementary and middle school.
It makes me wonder if being home now matters for them or is more important for me.
Because I will absolutely remember these days.
One of the coolest (and most challenging) things about becoming a parent is being faced with your own stories and trauma.
Over the past two years, I've unpacked many belief systems and faulty thinking, but one area that I have yet to explore much is money.
Understanding your Money Mindset:
My initial instinct on this is avoidance.
I didn't even want to write this blog, to be honest.
Money is something that I need to fully understand and appreciate.
And for most of my life, I haven't had to.
This is based on profound privilege and a lack of worry about financial needs.
Furthermore, as a family, we have decided I should be at home with our children, which has put me in a position where money is not at the top of my mind regarding safety and security. It's more based on needs and wants.
Like your money story, understanding your money mindset is one of the first steps to achieving harmony within your partnership.
Here are 8 ways to learn about your money mindset:
Reflect on your upbringing about money.
Check out your current habits: where are you spending money? Do you have specific patterns you follow?
Identify your money triggers. In the episode, Jarrod talks about when he makes money and wants to spend it. Think about how this might show up for you. Retail therapy, anyone?
Take a money mindset quiz: there are different types of money stories- try this quiz.
Read books and articles: my husband likes this author, Ramit Sethi.
Find a coach or therapist: I like this one: @overcoming_overspending
Mindfulness: As we've shared before, mindfulness and self-awareness are the keys to it all. Once you become aware of your thoughts and feelings about money, it can help you make decisions.
Discuss with others: Learn about money from other people! Talk about it with friends and family—even though this can be a taboo, use it as an exploration experience.
Communicating with your partner about money:
Two different money scripts, two different money mindsets… can you see where the problem begins?
It is further exacerbated by poor communication and lack of understanding or appreciation for each other's values AND if there is an imbalance of financial contribution…i.e., home parent vs working parent or different income amounts.
Here are several examples of where Jarrod and I differ:
Vitamix Breaking
Backyard
Where to spend money
The first example I shared was about our Vitamix breaking. I talked about it in the Parenting Partners in the episode. Because Jarrod doesn't use the Vitamix and it is not part of his routine, it didn't mean much to him that it broke, and so replacing a $600.00 plus machine would not be in his value system (it was fixed, by the way!).
The second example was about our backyard. Jarrod works in an office. He leaves by 5:30 a.m. every morning and gets home around 5 p.m. at night. I am an at-home parent and have not only two children but also one Autistic child.
Eloping is a real fear, and taking them both to the park with just one parent is a very daunting choice.
So, saving money to create a play set space in the backyard was extremely important to me.
But, it wasn't to Jarrod.
It was a nice to have.
Because we value it differently.
And thirdly, bringing it all together…it all comes back to how your values 1) impact your decision-making and 2) your partnership.
For example, Jarrod has gotten very into health and wellness.
He orders countless books and supplements.
I have gotten into skincare and makeup.
There were significant disagreements when we first began these uncomfortable conversations, mainly because I am not a financial contributor in my household. There was a disparity where he didn't have to ask, and I did.
So, how did we fix this?
First, it started with budgeting.
And allot an amount to each of us that we can spend however we want.
Secondly, we set up financial goals together.
Here's an example of 3 of our goals:
Pay off debt
Backyard renovation
Vacation
These goals can range from large to small and can be grouped into various buckets: security, pleasure, and home renovation.
Coming together as a team and discussing this MAY NOT BE EASY, as you may have differing stories and scripts about money.
Third, Have conversations regularly!
In our podcast episode, Jarrod and I discuss our weekly Sunday meetings about the week ahead.
This includes schedules, dinners, things to buy, and expectations of one another.
We created a free worksheet just for you to use! Click here to get your copy.
Fourth: Get on the same page
One of Jarrod's requests regarding money management has been about visibility on spending for both of us. He's asked me to view the spreadsheet he has created and go into the credit card statements to see our spending behavior for myself.
Not only is it a very important part of the puzzle, but it can also help with joint decision-making and be more transparent about where your money is actually going.
Take Yourself Seriously:
If you're an at-home parent, you may only partially endorse the idea that you're working.
If you're an at-home parent also doing side hustles, you may only partially endorse the idea that you're working.
If you're an at-home parent working on passion projects with the hope that they will become financially supportive in the future, you may not fully endorse the idea that you're working.
I work full-time as a stay-at-home parent and part-time as a blogger, podcaster, and content creator… and none of these things make me money right now.
In the past, I did bring in money — whether that was from a corporate job or from my own business but at the moment, I am not.
I've had to redefine my identity around success and money because it's not part of who I am.
Being a stay-at-home mom is a beautiful gift, but it also comes with its own challenges, like feeling guilty about not supporting the family in a financial way.
Some of the challenges that stay-at-home parents face are being reliant on their partner's income and needing to justify actions, whether about daily choices in the home, parenting, or things to purchase.
These uncomfortable circumstances can support feelings of guilt, shame, and overall self-worth.
I noticed that some of my money mindset shifted when I began to take my work seriously.
Here are 4 steps I took to battle this inner voice of guilt:
Acknowledging my value as a mom: even though I might not be a financial contributor, I am in other ways. And that together, as a team, we make the machine work. @motheruntitled talks about this on her Instagram account— "More women need to hear this. Just because you're doing unpaid work doesn't mean you're not contributing to the household so it's a shared household income"
Realistic expectations: Goals & dreams might not come as fast as the Karens you compare yourself to on Instagram— and that's ok!! You're right where you should be!
Re-write the script in your head: My inner critic, Grinder (you can read about her here) tends to be extremely hard on me. So, I've been practicing self-compassion and love.
Communicate with your partner: I openly share with Jarrod my doubt in myself, guilt about not making money, and frustration some days about being a stay-at-home mom. Because of this vulnerability, he is able to support me both by listening and by helping me think through solutions.
Conclusion:
Money can be a sensitive topic in general and even more so in relationships, but it doesn't have to be. By taking time to understand your history with money, you can gain true insight into your relationship with money and how you bring this into your relationship.
Managing money as a team can strengthen your bond, help you reach goals faster, and support daily communication.
Although these conversations can be uncomfortable, they are necessary to indeed be on the same page about finances.